Just like a real girl

pixiv-goldfish

Pixiv @ 49742968

You treat me so sweetly, though I’ve yet to share my secret. Do you already know? I don’t aim to hide what is true, but I wonder…if you trust me to be who I am.

We talk, and my voice drops under the pressure of laughter. Do you hear the shadow of the person I was once expected to be? Those trained, sometimes strained upper octave vibrations that I use so well to confirm my honest-to-goodness soul dispel your doubts that I belong among the bras and emphatic gabbing.

Can I ever truly belong? Sitting in the comfort of your room, too nervous to even take a glance around, I focus on engaging you. Desperately convincing you that these visual cues you see are, in fact, feminine. Never quite strong. Never too weak.

Posing in the mirror, naked, my body has yet to adhere to what my brain has deemed correct. That torso, wider than it should be. A medically-induced puberty padded with uncertainty, hope, and disappointment. Those abs, a sign of my avid dedication to maintain good form – possibly self-sabotage. My dysphoria reminding me of my broad, enigmatic features – a beauty who dreams of reaffirmation by someone not their reflection.

I’m just a girl trying to be. Living with a past that denies me, and I them. Proving to your eyes, that my body is not a lie.

I am real.

Transgender Day of Visibility

pixiv-tashite

Pixiv @ sosi-teiro

This is a repost from my Tumblr that I wrote yesterday, edited for this blog. Included a post-retrospective of sorts afterward.

I make no point to hide who I am, but I’m also very aware that I am not as visibly trans as others. I never go out without basic cover-up or doing my usual makeup routine. That includes nearly all photos of me. So out of respect, I won’t be posting a photo and will aim just to increase awareness and, hopefully, encourage those that are actually being misgendered repeatedly among other things.

If you would like to know more about my journey, please click my “Coming Out Story” link at the top of the page which has my publicly posted coming-out video along with a transcript in case you prefer reading. The page includes a few links for people who don’t quite understand what it means to be trans as well as links to trans journalists/writers that I’ve enjoyed reading.

I’ve come a very long way in accepting, loving, and figuring out who my self is. I do have moments where I don’t always feel pretty or decidedly “female”, but that comes with the territory in my case. Dysphoria still resides in some ways, but I’m learning to get past it as I become more self-assured. Besides, I’m only 1 1/2 years old into my transition and my journey continues today, albeit still with many bumps in the road.

Yes, it can get better, but for those who may be questioning or are more visibly trans than others, it’s not that easy to just say “it gets better.” Just getting up and walking out the door can be exceedingly stressful and panic-inducing. I would encourage those who are trying to be a part of the change to use that phrase sparingly, and perhaps offer a safe haven (physically or socially) for those people who truly are struggling with things like going to the bathroom. The fear is real and many trans people need you just like I needed my girl friends.

Most of all, you can easily make a difference in someone’s life and truly show your support by simply asking which pronouns they prefer. Or if you don’t feel comfortable asking, simply use their name when meeting someone who has a different gender identity/presentation than what you may think. Don’t assume and always be aware that we are doing our very best to live authentic lives. Ignoring our truth is erasing who we KNOW we are, damages our already fragile sense of self-worth, and, in the wrong place, could open us up to harassment and other forms of abuse.

We all are human, beautiful in our own ways, and deserve the same kind of love and human privileges as any other cisgender person. Hopefully, that time will come as we make ourselves known on days like this.

Writing this, and having retrospect after a number of hours, did open my eyes to what it can mean to be “visible.” I was only looking at it from one angle in my hurriedness to be involved after finding out late due to being in the midst of a residential transition.

Though I avoid being “visibly trans” publicly for my own safety (and I love feeling pretty/cute/confident/put-together by virtue – so sue me for being self-conscious), I am not “stealth” by any means. I am, in fact, visible in that I have & will talk to anyone about my trans narrative and share information/advice on how to better understand those who identify as transgender. I can also be visible by sharing those buried photos of how growing, questioning, and ultimately accepting who I am changed me for the better physically, socially, and emotionally.

Though the day has passed, I’ll be more prepared next time to have something people can see & hopefully relate to for themselves.

Left to my own devices

pixiv-dreamdemon

Pixiv @ dream demon

I want to connect with a person in a meaningful way. Yet the older I become, the more I wonder if my feelings are ever meant to be understood.

Everything that is beautiful is transient. That is why passions burn long and nearly forever. I cannot disregard the beautiful, but seek that which speaks to my passions.

I want to see where this leads. My feelings are irrelevant. I will not become invested when only I will become invested.

I’m lonely and hurting. My friends say “my time will come.” I disengage at the inference of romantic inclinations.

I am tired of trying.