Not sure who has laid eyes on my “About” section anytime up until about 2 weeks ago, but I will be the first to say it was meant to scare people away and turn people off. Given my average stats and non-existent comment base, my plan worked flawlessly for all these years.
I started Meganekko Memoirs for a number of shallow, immature reasons.
- Popularity. I highly admired Xiaxue and thought that my snappy, controversial writing and interest in anime could possibly reach the same levels. Xiaxue has continued blogging, but my interest in her has waned. She’s also about to have a child and has achieved much more than just a successful blog about her luxurious, lavish lifestyle. I was just a girl in college.
- My writings were always meant to be free-flowing regarding taboo, sexual topics no one likes to talk about in public. I thought if people were turned off by my “About” page, they would save themselves the trouble of reading something equally off-putting.
- Originally, I didn’t care who read this blog because it was (and is) for me. Again, if people couldn’t handle my “About” page, then they were better off running while they still could. I also made this blog Private multiple times.
- I had no solid goal or reason to keep writing. Just look at my Archives and you will see how many times I completely stopped writing here. And here’s the kicker: All of those times were due to me being in a relationship. I was happy and trying to live and love “normally” despite my gender dysphoria. See how well THAT worked out for me…
But you see…that final point is the key reason for so much of my conflict, hardship, and frustration. It was my motivation for writing, but was clouded by the other stupid pursuits I thought were good reasons for being a blogger.
Because why bother getting into the blogging scene if no one gives a damn what you write, amirite? /facepalm
Gender and sexuality played a very big part in the start of this blog, even though I was just admittedly venting (see #2). I was insane to think that I could be popular like Xiaxue while never portraying an inviting persona…One of my biggest emotional weaknesses and truths about me boils down to this:
I would be better off alone, but I don’t want to be alone.
Now that I have a grounded reason to continue writing my memoirs here, I deleted the nonsense from my college self, and composed a new About Page that reflects a more sensitive and compassionate mindset of today. Not to say I wasn’t such things back then, I just never intended to expose myself this much…I feel like…maybe my story can be of some value to someone.
Nothing will change about how brazen I am, how much I swear, or how deep I’m willing to go to be real. I just want people to know that a proper, open-minded grown-up is writing here who is willing to engage anyone brave enough, instead of a self-absorbed elitist bitch who could give two shits about what anyone has to say.
To the 3 people average who read this blog (whom I could probably call by name)…thank you. It’s nice to even have one, what with all the shit I’ve put out. ♥