Why Are You Still Here?

According to Wordpress.com, I registered this subdomain NINE years ago. This kind of blows my mind. Nine years ago, I was a Sophomore college student majoring in Interactive Multimedia (Professional Writing / Digital Media) at the very beginning of my questioning days and just discovering the world of blogging. Before that, I was a LiveJournal user regurgitating garbage like everyone else. This blog has evolved many times over and people have come and gone. I wanted to take a moment to revisit MMem’s history and say thank you to those who, for some reason, keep coming back.

Meganekko Memoirs first began on Blogspot.com and I remember those early days well of clawing through shitty CSS code. WordPress was up-and-coming & due to the potential of wider visibility and cleaner presentation, I exported all of my entries to this subdomain “meganelove” that, at the time, fed directly into my anime obsession and fetish for kawaii girls with glasses. It wasn’t all weeaboo-driven though; I figured cute anime girls would be a good way to hook people into reading it. I was mostly wrong about that. Funny enough, it didn’t matter anyway.

As my entries became increasingly more explicit – believe me, it’s really dirty in the pre-2010 archives – I fell into a cycle of making specific entries private for my two friends to read, to making the whole blog private, to opening it up again. After many years, graduating, and being a working adult, I had no way of knowing who was or wasn’t reading and, after many years, still hadn’t established any solid goals for the blog itself. So rather than stressing myself out between trying to care and not caring at all about readership or content focus, I stopped caring completely and, after a while, stopped updating indefinitely.

My life started to drastically change in 2013 and little by little I returned, writing here again about gender dysphoria, sexuality, transgender questioning and the like – what all of my past entries had vaguely eluded to. After beginning my transition and gaining ground in my gender identity, I finally found a purpose for MMem to dedicate myself to sharing my story publicly through this blog. My pre-2010 archives are extremely private and revealing, but just as necessary in giving a referential backdrop to the internal machinations of a low-middle class, black, transgender female in America. My fully realized goal would be for researchers to find valuable, telling proof within this blog to further the validation and societal acceptance of transgender people. Maybe even write about me, if I don’t formally publish my own memoir first.

“If you don’t know now you know.” – Notorious BIG

So, to YOU, the Reader, who has been reading for years, decided to start reading recently, or left and then decided to read again once I started writing again…I humbly ask you: Why are you still here? 

Whatever the reason is, I want to sincerely thank you for being a part of what I’m now trying to build. Honestly, I still feel like I’m writing to no one in cyberspace, but I do know there are some of you out there stalking me under the radar. Occasionally validating me with a Like or, bless your heart, a COMMENT!…In all seriousness though, thank you. I need you. And I want to know you’re out there. I’d love to try ideas, make suggestions, and just be a lot more inclusive in what I offer up here. So, let’s give it a try…

I’m considering investing in an official domain name for this blog & moving forward with attempting to reach and educate as many people as I can about what it means to be black and transgender. However, there’s no point in taking any action if I don’t already have a reader base I can count on to join me on the adventure.

This is where you come in; minimal effort needed on your part.

If you’re still here and like what I do, please let me know you’re out there with a LIKE or COMMENT. By doing so, you’re letting me know you exist and that what I’m aiming to do isn’t falling on deaf ears. I don’t expect much, but I’m thankful either way to anyone who has read even one of my entries.

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Being Remarkable and the Reblog-osphere

ruionlaptop
Gatchaman Crowds – Rui Ninomiya

After I realized that no amount of coaxing was going to make me write about anything that I didn’t believe anyone would care to read, let alone anything I didn’t feel belonged in this space, I jumped to the WordPress Reader to see what other blogs I follow have been sharing. I immediately took notice of two things:
Continue reading “Being Remarkable and the Reblog-osphere”

The art of love and awards

Miku Hatsune with lovely ruby rectangular glasses <3

I only recently discovered that there are special honorary badges and awards given to significant bloggers within the sphere. When I first began blogging, I didn’t quite know where I was going with it. I just felt I had to vent – write whatever I could never say outloud to anyone. Eventually, I became obsessed with gaining traction and attention similar to the likes of the still “sorta famous” Singaporean-Chinese blogger, Xiaxue, by providing information on anime meganekkos.

Then somewhere along the line, I just stopped caring about popularity and leverage. More than likely that happened due to the relationship I was in when this blog began in 2005. Things changed, and I was okay with that.

Where I am today is worlds apart from the early years of Meganekko Memoirs. I have come to view my identity in a different light, my college years are pretty much long gone 5 years later after graduation, and my blogging has become more focused on sharing truths with a level of transparency that opens me up to being judged, but isn’t nearly as tasteless as it was when I wrote for no one but myself. What hasn’t changed is just that: I still blog here for no one but myself.

What I’m getting at is the issue of why I cannot bring myself to embrace the notion of being celebrated for having a certain level of notoriety or effective blogging prose. To date, only one precious blogger has graciously informed me a number of times of being nominated for an award. I have thanked her for the times which she has, but to go through the motions of showing my “blogger spirit” in order to be deemed worthy just doesn’t jive with me. You can probably tell I didn’t have much school spirit for my high school and alma mater.

This is not to say I don’t appreciate it when someone wishes to throw my name into a hat to be chosen. I just consider myself an island within the blogosphere when it comes to connecting with other bloggers, leaving me isolated and with very few bloggers that truly stand with me. Having a small handful of bloggers who reach out to me here and there is more than I could have ever anticipated. In fact, I prefer for the number to remain small, as that mirrors my circle of friends in real life.

To be honest, Meganekko Memoirs was never meant to be publicly accessible. It just so happened I had a change of heart – a very rare occurrence among females. I felt that my memoirs had begun to share a story of a lost girl seeking to be understood and acknowledged that others may be able to relate to. The wearing of glasses exemplifies a person who has lived their life one way, but had another lifestyle/belief/secret that differentiated themselves from the image society pinned them to be. I simply want to tell this story as candidly as I can…

…for my own sake and for those who can relate to the years of disillusionment – to walk with clarity and self-acceptance. I still don’t know what’s next or where this will lead, but I’ll look adorable one way or another. Xiaxue has taught me something after all.