final distance

renai_718Have you ever experienced a sense of complete acceptance of your own internal misgivings and turmoil that you were left wondering why anything in your life should even matter? I make it my business to never reach that much of a low…but I had to acknowledge it today.

Almost every day has its good and bad points, in that having a perfect day is a rare treat. That’s life. Nothing anyone should lose their head over. Though coming to terms with the reality that for nearly two months (if not more), I have been in a battle with my sanity was something I absolutely had to put out in the open.

I really cannot tell you how many times I have started to type a tweet like this, stopped, then deleted it before posting. If I really want to be painfully honest with myself, it was actually much more blunt than this but with a similar manner of wording. A near daily pain of my consciousness being placed under immense pressure. A test of a foundation – perhaps a wall – against the frustrations of living in a house I don’t belong in, a job I am progressively wanting to quit (but can’t), and the weight of loneliness that comes from shutting out the happiness of those around me to pursue goals that which I believe I deserve of life.

If no one will love me in this life, I will at least attain my dream to be a writer.

I believe that the ones who seem like they can’t stand having people around them are the ones who really need someone by their side. The ones who are always giving advice are the ones who truly need someone to listen as they pour out their heart. The people who seem capable of taking on anything are the ones who most want to be saved. After all, it’s easy to believe this when I’m talking about myself. And regardless of what ego says, I’m no special case by any means.

I’m just too proud to actually tell anyone how much I’m hurting. Frustrated. Sad. Tired. Indifferent. Conflicted.

Looked at from a less condenscending perspective, I’ve spent much of my life trying to avoid troubling anyone. Everyone has their own problems to deal with, but while I have sacrificed my time, passions, and myself to be there for others, I have been left to my own devices. Locking my heart and becoming a rock while still being sensitive & open enough to reach and care deeply. I realize how exhausting this is, and yet I continue to live this way. Loving others the way I would want to be loved, yet protecting myself from ever expecting such affection and attention.

Being a strong person is something I’ve wanted for myself and others. The only difference is that I am now realizing that everyone who I have been strong for has someone to embrace them and keep them warm even when I’m not there. I can’t curse them for having the fortune of companionship, so I curse myself instead and put on a smile without any signs of my prevalent psychological weaknesses.

Withstanding the storms of life, freezing, becoming colder and colder with each passing day, I dream of arriving home to a warm embrace and a sincere inquiry of “Are you alright…?” And then…tears.

Title of this post is the name of a song by Utada Hikaru that touches my heart each time I hear it. Listen…


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