I wish for…

renai_711I had to take a step back from this. From not only writing in this blog, but also from everything related to my [trans]gender struggles and how others may be dealing with them. In the midst of my own ignorance, I am very easily influenced.

Ever since I started getting the slightest bit of attention here, I felt that I had to censor my truest thoughts and feelings. Use my skills as a prose writer to warp and weave my words around what I truly wanted to say so as to avoid being judged for not being what I said I am and left out to dry. I may not seem like it, but I am highly insecure when it comes to myself and matters that even I have difficulty wrapping my head around. I don’t like looking like a fool or a liar when that is everything I despise in others.

So I don’t want to do that anymore. And my time away has helped me come to terms with that, as well as who I think I am. In other words, though I know who I wish to be, what I believe I must be diverges from that wish.

The wish to be female. To present as female. To not have to concern myself with others being confused, disappointed, or unsure of themselves just because they only know what they know of me. Specifically, they know I am male and to divert from that seems to unsettle them…while it’s the most freeing, sobering experience for me in recent memory.

I could give a shit what strangers think, but if I know for a moment that someone who I see every day may be bothered by appearance, that is what greatly discourages me from finding my personal comfort and pleasure of being comfortable in my skin as a female. As I said, I’m actually quite insecure, but I also have a very sensitive, giving heart despite my occasional crass outbursts of profanity. Tag that onto also being an empath, and you’re left with a girl who just wants to forget she ever existed…

The last time I dressed, something along those lines happened. It must have been about 3 weeks ago. Since then, I’ve just tried to live as I know I need to.

Then Monday came, and, after receiving some unexpected news the previous day, I woke up accepting what I think is the reality of my situation. That maybe…I’m not transgender. That maybe I’m instead bi-gender. I could make a list of reasons why I think this is right and why it’s wrong, but why do that when my blog entries basically already do it for me? The heart of the matter is that despite me wanting to have a life that is pleasant and pure as a female, my lifestyle just does not allow for it. No matter how much I perceive myself as comfortable as a girl/female/woman, at the end of the day, my livelihood will depend on me being socially accepted as a male.

Years and years of this off and on struggle with myself as the name I was given and the girl that writes here, Ren’Ai, coupled with my own personal issues, heartaches, failures, etc. have fortified me as this rock-solid force that, out of pure desperation, has to be strong no matter what. I don’t mean the bullshit strength that comes from being “a man”. I mean the emotional and mental capacity to take adversity and adapt accordingly.

I love walking the streets and malls as female – even moreso being called “Ms.” while I have forever hated being called..you know.. – and always will, but so as not to be killed by my own internal inconsistency with the external, I became strong.

To be able to carve a level of success for myself in whatever I put my mind to, I had to accept the external while keeping my passionate internal desires to be loved and acknowledged as a female hidden.

So I could have a normal relationship with another female and make her feel loved by a male, rather than being judged and second-guessed for having a gender blog on which I presented as a female…or have them scoff at the thought of showing me the same level of dominate affection towards me…I kept Ren’Ai in the dark. All alone, making her promises I couldn’t really keep because no one would accept her.

They wouldn’t accept me.

I’m not quite sure how to conclude this, but this was meant to be a confession of sorts. I was afraid that anyone who deemed this to be a transgendered blog to be turned off by the fact that I have come to terms with being bi-gender – two personas that must play nice with each other for the sake of a single individual’s survival; I’m not anymore. It’s a shitty way to live and I wish it could be different, but accepting that I am become perfectly capable – more like obligated/forced – of living without having my external resemble the gender I see inside myself kind of says it all…

All I know is that here, this is my (Ren’Ai’s) domain. My body may not be as curvy as I’d like (no matter how much weight I am deliberately losing), nor my face as slender and well-placed…but my heart and soul are painfully female.

These are the memoirs I wish to share. Tales of a girl hidden in the dark, only to see the light of day under ideal circumstances. Maybe this path will lead to another level of personal growth…or reveal something that I couldn’t see clearly before.

Just because I accept this does not mean I like it – it’s just the story of my fucking life.

So…I’d really like it if I could have a wish come true for once.

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6 thoughts on “I wish for…

    1. ::hugs: Thank you for the support, Kira. The “we” pretty much consists of you & maybe 2 others,but that’s okay. I feel very embarrassed really… I do wonder if this is “best.” Right now though, just living & flowing with it seems to make the most sense.

      By the way, I’ve been wanting to subscribe to your new blog, but I can’t find a way to get your entries in my email now. Could you add the Subscribe button to your widgets again? 🙂

      1. Ren’Ai

        First, I added the “Follow” button. I didn’t realize that I forgot to include it… you’d think I would pay attention to that.

        Secondly, take your time and see how things go. Remember that wants and needs change over time, don’t lock yourself into one course of action, keep your options open and don’t be afraid to make changes when you need to.

        ((((Hugs))))

        Kira

  1. Hey, don’t ever be ashamed, afraid, or embarrassed to be YOU. If someone can’t accept you for who you are, then they don’t deserve to know you. You must live a genuine life. The only part of this post that concerns me at all is this: “My body may not be as curvy as I’d like (no matter how much weight I am deliberately losing), nor my face as slender and well-placed…” You know i’m the parent of a teenager with an eating disorder, and i have no idea of your situation or what you weigh or anything, but i just feel compelled to tell you to be careful. Take care of yourself. But BE YOURSELF.

    1. Thank you very much for the comment, Karen.

      It’s only embarrassing because of my confusion with my own identity and now admitting that maybe I’m someone different than what I said I was. I tried so hard not to be wrong…I feel like I need to write an apology to those who I’ve told and try to clear things up. Being myself – my whole self – has been a long-time struggle for me. I think that now that I have come to personal terms with this, I can do just that without feeling as if I’m cheating or hiding myself rather than feeling torn up or fake because I’m not going through the same “crisis” as I see from many TGers…

      Oh yes, I know of your son’s disorder & I can understand why you would be worried by my wording. Very sorry about that…I’m just a semi-health-nut and have been since elementary school. I’m fairly petite already and exercise throughout the week, but I also want to conceal my muscle by having a thinner physique for when I am presenting as female. That will only help me feel that much more comfortable in my own skin when people look at me.

      1. Some people live their whole lives without ever finding who they really are. It’s not easy to examine oneself, reflect deeply, ask the hard questions. Don’t be embarrassed. You don’t need to apologize. You are making an honest journey, and no one can assume where that journey will lead you. Thanks for explaining more about your health and weight — you will find (if you haven’t figured this out already) that the mother in me comes out pretty strongly when i’m worried about someone. Feel free to let me know when i need to rein that in. =)

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