Why Are You Still Here?

According to Wordpress.com, I registered this subdomain NINE years ago. This kind of blows my mind. Nine years ago, I was a Sophomore college student majoring in Interactive Multimedia (Professional Writing / Digital Media) at the very beginning of my questioning days and just discovering the world of blogging. Before that, I was a LiveJournal user regurgitating garbage like everyone else. This blog has evolved many times over and people have come and gone. I wanted to take a moment to revisit MMem’s history and say thank you to those who, for some reason, keep coming back.

Meganekko Memoirs first began on Blogspot.com and I remember those early days well of clawing through shitty CSS code. WordPress was up-and-coming & due to the potential of wider visibility and cleaner presentation, I exported all of my entries to this subdomain “meganelove” that, at the time, fed directly into my anime obsession and fetish for kawaii girls with glasses. It wasn’t all weeaboo-driven though; I figured cute anime girls would be a good way to hook people into reading it. I was mostly wrong about that. Funny enough, it didn’t matter anyway.

As my entries became increasingly more explicit – believe me, it’s really dirty in the pre-2010 archives – I fell into a cycle of making specific entries private for my two friends to read, to making the whole blog private, to opening it up again. After many years, graduating, and being a working adult, I had no way of knowing who was or wasn’t reading and, after many years, still hadn’t established any solid goals for the blog itself. So rather than stressing myself out between trying to care and not caring at all about readership or content focus, I stopped caring completely and, after a while, stopped updating indefinitely.

My life started to drastically change in 2013 and little by little I returned, writing here again about gender dysphoria, sexuality, transgender questioning and the like – what all of my past entries had vaguely eluded to. After beginning my transition and gaining ground in my gender identity, I finally found a purpose for MMem to dedicate myself to sharing my story publicly through this blog. My pre-2010 archives are extremely private and revealing, but just as necessary in giving a referential backdrop to the internal machinations of a low-middle class, black, transgender female in America. My fully realized goal would be for researchers to find valuable, telling proof within this blog to further the validation and societal acceptance of transgender people. Maybe even write about me, if I don’t formally publish my own memoir first.

“If you don’t know now you know.” – Notorious BIG

So, to YOU, the Reader, who has been reading for years, decided to start reading recently, or left and then decided to read again once I started writing again…I humbly ask you: Why are you still here? 

Whatever the reason is, I want to sincerely thank you for being a part of what I’m now trying to build. Honestly, I still feel like I’m writing to no one in cyberspace, but I do know there are some of you out there stalking me under the radar. Occasionally validating me with a Like or, bless your heart, a COMMENT!…In all seriousness though, thank you. I need you. And I want to know you’re out there. I’d love to try ideas, make suggestions, and just be a lot more inclusive in what I offer up here. So, let’s give it a try…

I’m considering investing in an official domain name for this blog & moving forward with attempting to reach and educate as many people as I can about what it means to be black and transgender. However, there’s no point in taking any action if I don’t already have a reader base I can count on to join me on the adventure.

This is where you come in; minimal effort needed on your part.

If you’re still here and like what I do, please let me know you’re out there with a LIKE or COMMENT. By doing so, you’re letting me know you exist and that what I’m aiming to do isn’t falling on deaf ears. I don’t expect much, but I’m thankful either way to anyone who has read even one of my entries.

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A small window of opportunity

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pixiv @ hamakaze

Being transgender in a world surrounded by others who may or may not be the same position as I has gradually become a non-issue for me. In other words, I now find myself forgetting that I’m anything but a female trying to find her way. There are so many more relevant, pressing matters to deal with as simply a woman forced to take on the challenges of building up my own world. Especially now.

My life has drastically changed yet again. First, with my obedient action of leaving my mother’s roof two weeks ago. Then, the day to day grind of taking on a completely different kind of occupation is extremely taxing on me, physically, mentally, and emotionally. In a matter of days, I was given a chance in a world I believed I had no place in: Sales and Marketing. In the four weeks I’ve taken on this new world, in conjunction with all the challenges of relocating myself to a temporary residence in a mere 24 hours, I’ve become stronger, wiser, and more apt to take action while rapidly expanding my network of influence. I’m scared, yet consciously proactive of the reality before me while desperately ignoring the threat of failing.

I have been given a small window of a chance to reset my unfortunate mess of the past two years. To do this, I have closed off much of my emotions and am gradually adopting a more callous attitude toward the frivolous and irrelevant. I often find myself saying: “My heart has grown much colder. This is a necessary sacrifice.” My work requires me to be indifferent as I am rejected, ignored, and told “no” by hundred of people a week. If you’re looking for a quick way to build a thick skin and/or learn how to handle being romantically unattached, transgender or not, do Sales. Seriously.

Right now, bringing my goals into reality are everything to me. The universe doesn’t care that I’m trans. Neither do the people who hired me and brought me into their world. All that matters is persistence, productivity, and maintaining a positive, proactive attitude no matter what comes my way.

Becoming self-assured is not something everyone is born with, but if you are willing to put in the work, this surely can be learned. My guidance counselor in college said an important quote that has repeatedly ran true: “You must be willing to do the things you don’t want to do in order to achieve the things only a few can.” I have done a shit ton of things I didn’t want to do, but this is the first time my future actually depends on my action.

Will I be able to make my dreams my goals and attain all that I believe I deserve? The answer to that question is completely my responsibility. As a woman, I have many things working for me already, and it will be my own fault if I let anything or anyone get in my way. As a trans woman, not being able to find work for two years – likely having more to do with the economy than with my conflicting legal documents – was probably my most difficult struggle among so many past scars.

Regardless of my struggles still ongoing due to residual obligations to survive, I will be the first to always say how fucking lucky I am compared to others who have transitioned in adulthood. Still, I am proving every day that I am more than my trans identity. I shall not waste the goodwill given to me to earn the lifestyle I’ve always wanted, exploiting every bit of my womanhood to eventually have a relevant voice for the transgender community in society.

Oh, how far I have come…and this is only the beginning.

A year of passion…

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Haku Yowane by Caffein

When this year started, I felt rejuvenated as most do when a new year begins. To be honest, I didn’t want to experience that feeling as I knew it would only be betrayed by my own laziness and neglect. That is not to say I don’t believe in myself. No, not by any means. I simply was aware that to charge head-first would likely get me through the first month, then propped upon a spike somewhere after.

Even still, I said to myself:

I want to write and be creative again. That was something I lost all of last year, for the most part. Now, I want to take it back.

However, anyone who knows how to set S.M.A.R.T goals understand that simply generalizing will get you nowhere fast. It’s now the end of January and I haven’t done much in the vein of writing more. To realize this so soon while most people simply give up the ghost is actually a good thing.

Now, it would be nice if I could somehow do more with this blog that would trigger me to set aside 45-60 minutes each day. The most relatively easy thing would be to simply free write. Truth be told, this entry itself is an experiment in free writing. Prompted by nothing but a self-realization with no real aim in mind.

Though, in a twist of irony, the aim of this entry revealed itself in a matter of moments of beginning to write. Sharing my desire to reclaim my creativity that I allowed to slip away in favor of grander pursuits that required a great deal of my time and energy. Now that one of the largest barriers restricting me access to my creativity is nearly torn down, I couldn’t help but feel as though I could breathe again.

There’s more that I want to do besides writing more – creativity abounds in various forms within me. However, proving that I am capable of weaving the English language relatively at will is first on my plate. As I am already expending creativity as a voice actress, it’s a matter of properly directing my energies toward dedicating myself to this task.

Rather than trying to recover what I’ve lost in January, I shall use the remaining days to attempt to condition myself gently until February to find that sweet spot that allows me to be the most creative. In the past, the night has been my confidant in that regard and, given that I’m writing this a bit after midnight, may still be.

As I am unsure of how to make use of this blog, I will, at the very least, show my conditioning in the form of blog posts. If I am unable to maintain myself for the week leading up to February, I will not consider myself a lost cause. Rather, I will simply assess and try a different approach.

I used to write a ton as a teenager, mostly during my glory days of text roleplaying. Those days ended after I realized my creativity was being squandered on tales that would never see the light of day. Though I’ve convinced myself that I could never return, perhaps I may attempt to recapture some of that ancient roleplaying spirit to add a fun element to tempering my creative soul again. If for no other reason than out of desperation to resuscitate that which came to me so naturally years back.

We shall see. For now, hopefully I’ll begin posting daily here, not fretting about errors or fluff as I usually do. Just…sharing my heart as I have become ever more adept at doing since HRT.