A small window of opportunity

pixiv @ hamakaze

Being transgender in a world surrounded by others who may or may not be the same position as I has gradually become a non-issue for me. In other words, I now find myself forgetting that I’m anything but a female trying to find her way. There are so many more relevant, pressing matters to deal with as simply a woman forced to take on the challenges of building up my own world. Especially now.

My life has drastically changed yet again. First, with my obedient action of leaving my mother’s roof two weeks ago. Then, the day to day grind of taking on a completely different kind of occupation is extremely taxing on me, physically, mentally, and emotionally. In a matter of days, I was given a chance in a world I believed I had no place in: Sales and Marketing. In the four weeks I’ve taken on this new world, in conjunction with all the challenges of relocating myself to a temporary residence in a mere 24 hours, I’ve become stronger, wiser, and more apt to take action while rapidly expanding my network of influence. I’m scared, yet consciously proactive of the reality before me while desperately ignoring the threat of failing.

I have been given a small window of a chance to reset my unfortunate mess of the past two years. To do this, I have closed off much of my emotions and am gradually adopting a more callous attitude toward the frivolous and irrelevant. I often find myself saying: “My heart has grown much colder. This is a necessary sacrifice.” My work requires me to be indifferent as I am rejected, ignored, and told “no” by hundred of people a week. If you’re looking for a quick way to build a thick skin and/or learn how to handle being romantically unattached, transgender or not, do Sales. Seriously.

Right now, bringing my goals into reality are everything to me. The universe doesn’t care that I’m trans. Neither do the people who hired me and brought me into their world. All that matters is persistence, productivity, and maintaining a positive, proactive attitude no matter what comes my way.

Becoming self-assured is not something everyone is born with, but if you are willing to put in the work, this surely can be learned. My guidance counselor in college said an important quote that has repeatedly ran true: “You must be willing to do the things you don’t want to do in order to achieve the things only a few can.” I have done a shit ton of things I didn’t want to do, but this is the first time my future actually depends on my action.

Will I be able to make my dreams my goals and attain all that I believe I deserve? The answer to that question is completely my responsibility. As a woman, I have many things working for me already, and it will be my own fault if I let anything or anyone get in my way. As a trans woman, not being able to find work for two years – likely having more to do with the economy than with my conflicting legal documents – was probably my most difficult struggle among so many past scars.

Regardless of my struggles still ongoing due to residual obligations to survive, I will be the first to always say how fucking lucky I am compared to others who have transitioned in adulthood. Still, I am proving every day that I am more than my trans identity. I shall not waste the goodwill given to me to earn the lifestyle I’ve always wanted, exploiting every bit of my womanhood to eventually have a relevant voice for the transgender community in society.

Oh, how far I have come…and this is only the beginning.


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