On being trans and desirable

pixiv-lymon
pixiv @ lymon: Admiral from Kancolle series
As I arrived and left of the car repair shop, I was outwardly candid, but inwardly angry, frustrated, and…proud. My car that was promised to be ready the day before was being given to me now, the day of a cosplay event. I had already steeled myself for showing up to pick up my car in cosplay that I took great pride in portraying. However, I also knew that my pride also stemmed from having eyes on me, as I carried myself confidently in 4-inch ruby heels and showing much skin. I knew I was the hottest piece of eye candy within eyeshot, and gladly embraced the attitude of my character, Poison.

Maybe they wanted me. I didn’t give a fuck.

That same day, my friend – I was late picking her up – and I parked outside of the location event & had to do some walking in the neighborhood. There were some elderly men chatting outside as we passed by, but we were preoccupied with our own chit-chat going back and forth on why the other girl was attractive. They must have thought they were out of earshot – or maybe they wanted us to hear – but they were clearly saying ‘thank you for the nice view’. Her & I discreetly giggled at each other & kept on talking until we reached the corner, unsure of which way to go. Just then, one of the elderly men from before shouted for us to make a left to get to the boardwalk.

Indecency countered by decency. Probably as thanks for being attractive. We both shouted thank you because that’s just what you do regardless.

Right?

To be honest, those are just two of many instances that men have ogled or flirted with me. Truth be told, I like the attention. This is coming from someone who has seen some shit as a spy in the male camp. So I am absolutely a long-time supporter of respecting females, treating them as human beings not objects, and, one of my most engrained values, not sexually harassing a female with your eyes. These feelings haven’t gone away & translate very well in protecting & respecting myself as my rightful gender. However, being acutely aware of the misogynistic stigma and disgusting fetishizing plaguing the transgender community puts me in a place where any honest compliments/affirmations of my femininity, despite being purely based on the physical, is something I have a hard time not feeling exceedingly grateful for.

What people don’t know is how much effort I have put into my face-value. My now standard voice that people feel compelled to compliment. My toned body that strangers have acknowledged with curious interest. Developing a makeup routine that is still developing. Years, and more years still, to get to this point. All of this for the sake of…

Myself.

Yes, I do it all for me to feel happy and beautiful. Doing anything I can to deal with this fully developed, biologically male body. And I’d be lying if I said that was my only reason. I believe that being desired by anyone, especially someone not driven by lust, is something that starts with the initial attraction. I also acknowledge that when all the smoke and mirrors go away, I am still me. However, I will never forget a phrase I wrote in a creative piece of prose during my darker years of high school…

Myself is never enough.

Even after becoming so much stronger and open as a whole person, I don’t hold my breath for a future that will be kind enough to give me someone who desires the me – the scared, sometimes dysphoric, highly self-conscious trans girl still light-years from a pleasing natural state that is very much a work in progress. Call me pessimistic, but really, there are so many other trans ladies out there who feel the same & admittedly have a lot more reason to than I. If nothing else, I owe it to myself to remain grounded & avoid ever thinking myself so highly – to be honest about my very real experiences of both being desired and deeming myself, the person in the mirror, utterly undesirable.

Comment if you relate or find my perspective flawed in some way.

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5 thoughts on “On being trans and desirable

  1. I dunno what I think, but I wanted to acknowledge you for sharing it because your thoughts send me back to myself, to really think, about my life. Plus it gives me a chance to get to know you better. I have a pretty dark world view at this point in life, I try to lighten it up but from where I’m standing it feels like men are fed a diet of programs concerning what women are supposed to be for dating, for relationship, for marriage. How we are supposed to act when they are attracted to us, or fall in love, or want to date us, and I shake up the picture from every angle cuz I’m asking questions of the questions, and questions of those answers even. Doesn’t work in the least for most men, cuz they just want a simple solution then get to it (most times). So I feel so much of the time, love won’t be possible for me either. But I also think, anything can happen in life – so I feel someone will see you (spirit to spirit recognition) and you will make that match. I don’t get bitter, or desperate, energy off you which many women have and I can’t imagine is much fun to be around. So to top it off, most men are pretty reluctant to do a relationship unless you are their ideal aka programmed it woman.

    I hope when you attract the one who is the other side of you (cause we do attract who we are on some level), they’re really brave (cuz emotional commitment takes that to begin) and convicted around – love. Cuz, this is the only way it will have legs to grow and go beautiful places.

    Still I think if anyone is deserving it’s you. So, develop and keep a belief in it for you.

    You’re way too young to be resigned around it.

    But enjoy the attractions, all of them. In years, every type fades.

    Take care Nina. 🙂

    1. So sorry it’s taken me so long to redirect my focus here…

      I really appreciate your perspective on how difficult it is to be “right” for someone or not. The good thing is: It’s difficult for all genders, with some differences based on the person’s gender preferences and preset expectations. It’s a weird thing, and that’s what makes romance and deep trust both idealistic & adverse.

      You’ve experienced so much more than me & here you are encouraging me to not be so resigned at my age. You would also be right that I refuse to exude desperation for anyone or anything. I’m more indifferent than anything else; it’s better for me than to find myself running from loneliness night after night. I’ll take your encouragement as a sign that you too have not become completely resigned.

      Thank you & please take care as well, Tanyeno. : )

      1. I love reading your responses. It’s okay it took a while, you have alot going on. It’s easy to forget to peek at WordPress. *Raises hand.* Guilty of it too. 🙂

        Maybe I’m not (completely resigned). I just feel, I’m in a dark tunnel with a little opening at the end of it to the light (possibility of finding someone). But I’m too hefty to fit through that hole lol. Not young, light, fun, and music video – ish looking enough for black, white, or latin guys at this point. Although, there’s an Asian guy I have a slight crush on and who I think flirted with me today! What?!

        Lol.

        So I dunno, maybe there’s still a way through. I just hope you settle it (great heart connection), before you reach my years. I’m also pretty rusty. I couldn’t even laugh at his jokes in time. Smh. Great to chat with you, and all the best with the vo gigs!!! xoxo

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