There have been a number of trans*-specific topics floating around in my head over the past few weeks, but I’ve been off attending events, meeting new people, and just living life in a way I never had a chance to before instead of writing. They say “live every day like it’s your last” and in some ways, I have been. I personally don’t believe anyone consciously does this, but rather allow themselves carte blanche to throw caution to the wind and do what their instinct says without thought of possible consequences.
I have become rather fond of this methodology. So many fresh experiences I’m allowing myself to experience. People I’ve wanted to get closer to as friends is happening at break-neck speed. No longer as wrapped up in my thoughts about being trans* when I go out in public. I’m just being me in all my personal self-acceptance – people who knew me prior say they sense the change in me, that I now exude a glow of confidence.
Just all around not giving a fuck and doing what I want has been the best thing for myself next to coming out publicly. I love more. Hurt less. I’m pursuing a professional career as a voice talent without any consistent income streams. I’m living on unemployment, working with a friend to eBay a number of my possessions, and spending money on more gifts and friend outings than I ever have when I can just barely pay my bills, rent, & placing my latest necessary car repairs on the my second credit card (albeit reluctantly).
This past weekend, I confessed my love to a girl that I had kept tucked away in silence for over a decade, knowing that I had nothing to lose but her friendship which I had already put on the line the moment I posted my coming out video. She’s likely already in a flourishing relationship, but as long as she’s happy and knows that I only wish for her to be smiling, that’s good enough for me. Regardless of my mind wanting to overthink what I’ve done, I refuse to and have zero expectations. What matters is the closure I now have and hopefully she will too if and when she writes back.
My mum and brother are now calling me “Nina” after a year of resistance on my mother’s part. They’re trying & adjusting now; that’s all I ever wanted. My mum’s ex calls me “Nina” without any sense of authenticity of my gender identity, so fuck him. My father has yet to respond to my Facebook messages though he has been active & seen them. To that I say: Welp, whenever you’re ready to acknowledge me, I’m here. Honestly, doesn’t bother me at all. I’d like to tell my father’s parents, but would prefer to at least have some words from their son that says “hey, he still loves me and you should too”. I’m fine with keeping my distance until then, not out of fear, but out of spite to my father who is becoming a hypocrite each day he remains silent for always telling me to reach out. I am now – I’m finally loving myself & have pride knowing who I am – and now I can only assume he needs time to realize that he cannot control the reality of my confession two years ago being real.
Truly, opening my world and being in tune with my whole existence in mind and body has changed me for the better after growing up believing that “playing it safe” was the only way to win at life. So so much good has happened in just the last few weeks of being out publicly, and here I am sharing why when much of this is personal stuff no one cares about. Oh well. I hope to do less of this, and share more of my transgender-specific experiences and perceptions in a more thoughtful, relatable manner as they come to me.