The search for “ME” continues…

Pixiv @ 486989317: -Monogatari series – Tsubasa Hanekawa

For me to say that things have been going well would be a lie, but also the truth. I haven’t experienced any pain or loss since I began pursuing my creative dreams in March, but I have struggled and tussled with inner uncertainties that continue to emerge as I evolve into the person I was meant to be. The further I walk down this path and the closer I get to coming out publicly, the more anxious I become…and the more disconcerting the future seems.

When people ask me how I am, I noticed my default answer has changed from “not great” or “just fine” to “up and down”. Because for me to say that life has not become more enriched and vibrant would be denouncing the joy I have felt from admitting who I am. Though, as I said, there are points at which I wonder if simply being a trans woman is the only way I should be identifying and thinking of my whole being. Especially when I know I don’t fall into any one transgender narrative.

The questioning of my identity has not ended. In fact, it has only become more relevant as my body gradually begins a second puberty. A puberty I wish I had experienced much earlier in life, and yet don’t believe (if I ever did to begin with) that I’ve always known I was female.

No, that isn’t the way it went for me.

For most of my life, I accepted what everyone said, what stared at me back in the mirror, and what biology gave me between my legs. Even now, when I chat online with friends, there is this prevalent male voice coming through more times than not. I even lived a good half of my life embracing of a sense of duality that led me to flip-flop between genders in my mind. I never wanted a “duality” in my gender identity. That thinking was birthed from my own acceptance that there was nothing I could do to live as the female I believed I should be. Duality was a reluctant attempt to survive this life, my short-lived romances, and seeing something I hated in the mirror every day by focusing on the facts and finding success in my strengths. So the knowledge I have obtained since I’ve truly come to terms with being trans led me to obviously dispel the farce entirely and immediately fall in line with the female side of my identity as soon as possible.

Except, the downside of this is much more undercut. The mass amounts of overall gender knowledge I have acquired and the flexibility that can exist when it comes to identifying oneself continues to serve as a hardship for me rather than a boon. The more I advocate that gender is nebulous and fluid, I am that much more sensitive to resisting the binary more than ever before. This, in turn, makes me question where I honest and truly stand in my own gender identity.

Am I not quite male? Am I more female? How do I really feel about myself? Is it just too soon in my transition for me to know for sure? Should I give myself more credit for having learned that I could escape the gender that I merely entertained? Is only identifying myself as a trans woman even correct for me?

And the worst, most irrelevant question any trans person could ask: Am I trans* enough to be taken seriously by other trans* people…?

It’s questions like these that have hounded me for weeks now, restricting my writer’s tongue from opening up within my memoir space. Dare someone call me a fake for not having concluded my self-exploration the moment I began HRT or came out to my mum and sister. I’ve always known there is a kind of strength that comes from admitting the truth of one’s beliefs and shortcomings.

I want to learn more who I am. I want to be a stronger female and release my mind of doubt’s fog. Merely saying “some things will just take time” is one of the grand understatements of humanity’s collective consciousness.


5 thoughts on “The search for “ME” continues…

  1. Your writing is incredible, and in time, I hope more answers, inner peace, but more questions which I think is a part of life and being engaged. I hope you’re well today, and thank you for sharing what’s on your spirit.

    1. Yes, it’s always good to continue to question everything in life and seek out answers to find inner peace. I think you & I have already been there. Though the discovery process may be slightly different each time. Thank you for always having such thoughtful replies and hope you have been well – today and the next.

      1. Re: Always good to continue…. I think so.

        Yes I agree, you and I have been there.

        Re: Discovery process … different each time… it is.

        You got it, your posts inspire alot of thought and heart Nina. And I love that. We have so much to learn, express, discover and digest in life – exchanges with equally thoughtful people are a gift.

        And I think you are, so much so. Why I love reading your thoughts. I have been well, and hope the sunny side of things continues. *Nervous laughter.*

        Hoping the same with you…

        1. You made me think of something, just before I started transitioning, I kind of promised myself that I wouldn’t make any major life decisions until I felt like I was in a better place – specifically whether I could make it as or even try to be a TG’ed scientist. This would include questions/decisions about my gender identity, ironically. Not asking these questions takes the pressure off I think, because there’s enough pressure already just trying to survive.

          1. Dana,

            I agree that it is better to not think on these things until we are closer to where we believe we should be. However, sometimes, I take comfort in knowing that I have an answer for certain questions. Thankfully, I do give myself enough credit to simply focus on getting to that “better place” than anything else. I’m starting to think this is a positive byproduct of HRT.

            With regard to gender identity specifically, this can change as we come to understand ourselves. I don’t really see it as a “life choice.” Though like you, I’m a big fan of certainty – making a decision and sticking to it – but it may do us well to remember that being flexible is also important to our survival.

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