Writer’s ego

pixiv-mono-dice
Pixiv @ mono-dice: Dangan Ronpa – Touko Fukawa
I have a tendency to avoid sharing things that worry or make me afraid for the future. Instead, I attempt to tell stories that just so happen to be snipped from my life as I feel so inclined to share. The truth of the matter is I’m concerned what would happen if I were to truly make this a memoir space.

A space where anyone could read about highly personal things about who I am and what I’m all about.

Ironically, when I started this blog, all of my posts were excruciatingly personal. Though only myself and two close friends ever knew it existed; I blocked it from search engines. After growing up a little more, that’s when I decided to keep it public, but at the cost of excluding truly intimate details of my life.

To be honest, I have no idea what I’m worried about when whether I write or not is of no excitement or disappointment to anyone… Correction: I DO know what I’m worried about.

The answer lies in my ego. My potential for success. My desire to leave my mark on the world.

If I were to achieve any manner of notoriety, this blog would have already been claimed in my name. What I write here could affect the opinions of those who admire me, and fuel the naysayers that are a staple of true success. At the heart, writing freely about my past exposes memories that only belong to me, but would become public domain the moment I press “Publish.”

I would like to share more, but I don’t know what I’m willing to share. My ego constricts me when I have already gone as far as six weeks on HRT. Seriously, why should I even care who knows what about me? Is there anything in my life that could be turned against me, the storyteller?

Indeed, these are the difficult questions that plague my mind daily. Only, I’ve never given them form until now. My voice to tell my story is my own.

So I must decide if my life is worth giving voice to. And by reading this, you have just bore witness to sweet rub of my own irony.

**written on my phone**

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14 thoughts on “Writer’s ego

  1. Each of us must decide what to reveal, what to keep hidden. Ultimately it is our decision which only we can make and for which we should not be criticized or feel the need to defend ourselves.

        1. I agree in part that it’s the most common reason to put pen to paper. Truthfully though, I find that having the clarity to write from the start is much more satisfying for me, albeit a double-edged sword of restricting the writing process : )

          1. I wish I could start with a clear vision of what I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it, more often than not I just have a fuzzy sense of where I am beginning with no idea where I’ll end up. 🙂

            1. Oh yes, having initial clarity is truly a blessing, but more often than not, that’s hard to come by. Like I totally just opened WP on my phone & started free writing hoping I would end up somewhere. Not the slightest bit of proofreading either haha : )

  2. You know, I think these concerns are who you are in part. Nothing wrong with them.

    I struggle with the same…. I don’t have any answers.

    However the way I deal with it, is after initial sharing and exchanges – I place some of it on private.

    1. Thank you for sharing your likened thoughts on this struggle. It’s great that you have a way of balancing sharing with personal privacy.

      In some cases, I use a physical journal if I feel I must share something that just has no business being on the internet. In most cases, I don’t write at all.

      I did find my answer at the end of this entry though.

      1. Absolutely, and I am sure I will become even more conflicted about it as time progresses.

        A physical journal is probably better, for some stuff.

        I know what you mean about everything just not being for the internet. Yep.

        And there is some stuff I don’t write as well, but today as I was brainstorming I realized some of the stuff I keep away from speech and eyes is angling to come through via my works. They’re fiction, but —

        I dunno. I scrapped a few things. But they’ll probably bubble back up somewhere. Anyway, I’m glad you found your answer. I liked this entry because I have lots of privacy issues. But film stuff and activism things are making me break mode in places.

        Why my pic is my avatar. I wanted people to know I was a woman of color. Facing that fire was important to me in a space like this, for me to deal with all that comes with that. But when I had a facebook, I only ever posted 1 picture the whole time I was on.

        1. We do see eye to eye on this matter I believe.

          I do wish to encourage you to continue exploring your creative freedom and allow your bubbling personal experiences to be potential building blocks for a fictional work as you see fit. We’re always taught to “write what we know” after all; we don’t ever have to reveal the root of our inspirations until we’re rich and famous anyway, haha. : )

          Sadly in this day and age, it does take bravery to use one’s face as a profile picture in a space where search & interconnectivity thrive. Took me coming out as trans to finally use mine on Twitter. So I understand your apprehensions and also your need to give yourself the proper credibility as a woman of color. Though I am hardly qualified to rub shoulders with you regarding womanhood, I feel the same as well – learning to embrace the pride that comes with saying “hey, I’m a woman of color that’s capable and creative” and tying that with having always sought to go against the grain in general. Despite the power that comes in that, there’s the flip-side that people of color still feeling an internal need to overcome social, intellectual, and economic stigma.

          Grateful again that others could resonate with my writing.

          1. LOL. Yeah, not til after we’re rich and famous. Yep.

            Plus while we’re are still smack dab in the middle of some of what we’re writing about, even accessible to its players, it’s probably safer to wait on the exact inspiration for things. Not sure how some folks would feel about their interpretation if not displayed as angels.

            I was actually thinking about this last night, because one of my present works is inspired by a real person. But not because they were ‘good’ to me.

            That’s very interesting what you’ve said about Twitter. It definitely takes courage. Twitter is a much more public space IMO than WordPress. It is truly a highway. A part of me didn’t want to be that exposed, by putting up my actual picture allowing everyone and their grandmother access to what I look like.

            Lol. I have this small illusion that there is a way to enjoy some level of anonymity on the internet. As I said, illusion. Kicks in from time to time. 🙂

            And your last statement is also true, there are times when not having your image to reference allows you entry, almost accidental access to folk who might ordinarily block you. To conversations and info, which otherwise may not be shared.

            I think about this sometimes, for sure – because I tweet out alot of film related stuff. And my avatar on Twitter is an illustration (you know most people barely pay attention). But they definitely do to a live picture. I notice little things here on WordPress. I will leave a comment on a person’s page (other ethnicities) and so much of the time they won’t even respond to it.

            A couple of times I checked back and they went on responding to future posters, jumping right over my post (I read anything that interests me).

            I’ve also noticed pages on here belonging to people of color with far less support. Brilliant brilliant page, no likes. Then I will see a page by (white) another blogger that is at best, average but with scores of supporters? I finally concluded that many white people are speech liberals only.

            Many will not support your page if they know you are a person of color, and tragically blacks don’t ether – preferring to remain on their own pages.

            We are just not consistent with support or interest of our own unless it’s slap happy cheeky pure entertainment (pages about black reality and music celebs type of thing)?????? Unfortunate.

            So yes, I’ve developed a desire – even online to break out of the box that confines as a black face on here. But I still don’t want to hide what I am, probably a catch – 22. Ah well…

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