Reshaping the space

Pixiv @ donabe0w0: Shiki Ryougi – Kara No Kyokai
As time draws nearer to when I come out publicly, I have been bouncing strategies off the wall of my mind of how to handle the pending reality of transitioning my online presence. Nothing has really stuck yet, but what I do know is that I would rather not close off this space regardless of the very personal things I’ve written over the years about myself and others who have been in my life. So I would like this blog to continue to live and serve a purpose while not revealing too much about how I live day to day.

The question is how to keep this blog relevant and useful. Oh and worth still writing in as opposed to, let’s say, using Tumblr.

Given the ideas I have been mulling over, I could keep this a strict blog regarding thoughts, considerations, and experiences as a transwoman. Or I could attempt to make this a hybrid of educational experiences that can be referenced by those who are unfamiliar with the lifestyle of a transgender person. Both ideas retain the “memoir” aspect of the blog, but rely less on my lifestyle and more on my overall perspective of how life has changed for me and others I may know.

My online presence will generally stay the same, but pieces that were not linked to this side of my life, like this blog or my Twitter, may wind up becoming center stage. This still is something that makes me uneasy because I’ve lived my entire online life fragmenting my identity in different places so as to avoid being discovered for my long-standing androgynous duality. However, having come to terms with my gender identity now has the potential to finally bring all my fragments together and be a whole person. Though not nearly as shattered and scattered as I was in my teen years, a large part of myself is so very tired of this fragmentation and wishes to end it with my public coming out.

I should probably mention that for the past number of weeks, my writing energy has been dumped into what will eventually be how people will learn about the me that should have been and now is. Being able to use my phone to hash out my writings while commuting on the train is a true godsend; I usually don’t have the time or strength to get down and dirty in organized writing once I can finally settle down. I believe I am close to a consensus with myself on how to handle this & my other online spaces. Though I have sent a milestone for when I should be coming out, in many ways taking my time, prioritizing my own self, and remembering to breathe are becoming more my speed.

Really, I’m only just starting to understand what it means to live and love myself despite what I still have to put up with whenever I look in the mirror. Fuck everything and everyone else that says otherwise.

And in case anyone was wondering, living full-time as a woman since January, holding a job, taking public transportation, etc. has put me through psychological hell, thickened my skin, and substantially loosened a few chains of fear. In other words, it has been very good for me in my growth as a woman and individual. May share more on that in later posts.

Hope you have been well…


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