Makeup for lost time

renai_1294
Mariah – Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure
Truth be told, I prefer looking as young and put together as possible. On the other hand, if I had the privilege of a wider array of clothing, I would probably go to work in business casual every day. What people usually don’t suspect is that before I really began to explore who I was for myself, I hated dressing up in any capacity and didn’t really give two shits how I looked on any given day. I only did it out of necessity not because I liked myself or my identity. I felt I had no other choice but to be as masculine expectations dictated and no amount of care or style would relieve me of that.

Or so I programmed to believe for my entire life despite their being a subconscious tick inside me saying that I was different somehow. I spent my entire life seeking out what that could be and discovered many things in the process, but nothing spoke to me and was as definitively life-altering as admitting that I truly needed to decimate this persona I felt morally & professionally obligated to entertain.

There are some people who wish they had the knowledge and self-awareness they have now as a child. I am sometimes one of those people. These days, I moreso wish I knew more of humanity and the depth of self-identity that existed outside of my bubble of teenage angst, parental divorce, and Christian doctrine. I fall into the ambiguous “sometimes” category because I feel I am still young enough to make up for what I missed out on in high school in terms of external expression.

Through fashion and exploring the self-image I’ve longed to express outwardly, I can both enjoy dressing like a young adult and with teenage flair. Summer lends itself well to the latter and I revel in the crazy amounts of colors and options I can freely wear without too much care. Though apprehensions of my body still abound, I should feel so fortunate to be carded at a movie theatre for an R-rated film this past Summer simply by my style choices and makeup.

There’s much I have to learn (and purchase) of both sides, but the moral of the story is how much happier I am with what I usually see in the mirror. Having spent much of my life trying to find ways to either adapt to the undesired changes happening to my voice and body – like “oh I guess it isn’t that bad”, ignoring my reflection long enough to brush my teeth – or making changes for every other reason except myself, I now am a stereotypical Leo who often loses precious minutes (read: always late) from admiring the girl in the mirror. I don’t look at my entire body unless I’m dressed to avoid dysphoria, but being able to like myself for myself is a novel concept I’m enjoying for as long as I can.

Who knows what will happen once everything no longer is fresh and I grow up like a proper woman should. Few think on these things when they are children and teenagers trying to make the best of their lives despite the limitations placed on them. I feel that adopting a similar mindset regarding transitioning might be a healthy one as I come into my own, awkwardness, ignorance, and all that comes with it.

How is life for you now that you’re publicly out?”, a work acquaintance of mine asked.

My answer was so much more, but I kept it simple. Twitter character limit and all.

“Life is much brighter, but it hasn’t [magically] gotten any easier…”

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2 thoughts on “Makeup for lost time

  1. Such great hope in what are normally depressing blog posts. I am happy for your growing strength and confidence in who you are! If your life doesn’t have struggles, than you’re not striving for something enough.

    1. They certainly can be depressing, but as always, my intent is to be as honest and real as I can. Thanks very much for your support as always. It’s true that struggle is a sign of being alive, but sometimes I wonder if I’m supposed to be okay with it being a consistent part of my life in comparison to others around me.

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