Going stealth

Pixiv @ 結衣: Rui Ninomiya – Gatchaman Crowds
Everything is so new.

Life is much more vibrant now.

I wonder if I can really do this, but the time for wondering is quickly coming to an end as reality takes hold.

My hair, my self-confidence, my mindset, my professional life…

They’re all changing. Not exactly always for the better, as so much of it is within the realm of the unknown.

The fear still remains of having to reveal my deepest secret. Being contacted for a job with a company who knows “him”. Updating the name on my resume with a recruiter willing to continue working with me. Creating a new email address under said name to facilitate the relatively arduous process of building a necessary form of online identification. It’s all so scary, but perming my hair has taught me that fear can be a prelude to authentic joy I had forgotten.

Plans continue to be made. The most costly and necessary plans I’ve ever had to make for myself. After next week ends, I’ll finally be free to obtain hormones as soon as possible and begin the process of killing the unsightly growth I’ve battled with for years.

All at the cost of driving an exorbitant amount. 4+ hours round trip to be exact. And it won’t be the last time. Electrolysis takes multiple sessions after all.

Yes. This is for me. For once, I’m sincerely doing something for myself. Owning my life. Not planning for some farfetched, unpredictable romance or trying to impress or please family. I have to remember that no matter what comes or goes, this is to bring me closer to my own humanity. To the identity I’ve incarnated in countless forms in my past time of role-play and even now in online gaming.

Even if no one in my family asks. Even if I continue changing before my mother’s eyes without ever changing my pronouns or saying a word about how I may be doing or feeling. That’s how it’s always been, and could very well be for the better. I’ve isolated myself from them, and I don’t believe that will ever change. My father may not deny me, but deny the pictures of his child. And who knows how his parents will respond. If I must, I can deny them all.

All that’s left to do is embrace who I am becoming. All the consequences. All the hardship. All the doubt and the love and the pain. I know now that hiding my past won’t do my future any good. Though I still hope and pray my accomplishments and failures were not for naught.

I was who I was. I am who I am. The habits I have I have no obligation to unlearn. The clothes I own do not have to instantly become obsolete. It’s okay to be the “other” on forms that demand my gender until I am good and ready. I need to let go. Unless I deem it so, my past belongs to no one but me.

‘I never asked for this.’ I’ll probably remain scared for a long time yet, but I am certainly not hiding anymore.


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