After my previous entry, I became very afraid all over again. Here are some tweets to sum it up much of my feelings after I recovered:
Plastering my face even more on the Internet as Nina – more than it already is prior to my self-acceptance – and the rate at which I felt my life changing due to this and other actions became terrifying. Even having those who continue to read this blog call me by my new name was a little too much for me. I’m very sorry I still have not thanked those who commented. I did appreciate it very much and hope to hear from you again some time…
The amount of support I have – both from people online and in my real life – is something I’m grateful to have, but I know where the fear comes from. It’s from me being unable to distance myself from the identity I’ve had for so long. One day I feel completely comfortable and aligned in the truth of my girlhood. Another day, I feel like the biggest, most unattractive eyesore that will never be accepted by my family and those who knew “him”. My body and mind deny each other and the disillusionment wails on my psyche and self-image more than I care to mention.
I get why society and lawmakers like Christie have such a hard time accepting transgender people, regardless of them just being human. It’s a lot to wrap their head around because so much of it appears to be a blatant deviation, encouraging the false image of distrust and unlawful abuse. This also puts myself and other gender fluid individuals in danger, entirely contrary to the belief some cis people have that they are the ones at risk for harassment or violence.
If I’m truly being honest with myself, I’m probably dealing with my own engrained transphobia just as many cis people are. Like my mum. And everyone I live with most likely. Though in my case, it’s not out of inhumane hate or distaste, but rather from all the years I was ignorant of all but the neat, little gender binary I knew I was supposed to be, wrapped in Christian upbringing. Everything about gender fluidness I was unaware of as a practical option, and yet happily lived it out in fantasies for years as I believed there was nothing more than the binary.
So really, this is all still so very new for me on an intellectual level.
It’s for that reason that I’m so incredibly thankful to everyone who is going through the effort of respecting me as a female & supporting me through all of these life changes. None of this has easy for me to embrace, even after the struggling & the signs. As exciting as moving forward to living true to my self is, reasons like money, legal matters, and even just the “coming out” repeatedly are incredibly high hurdles. My introverted personality just wants to run and hide [and I actually do, as shown by the consistent frequency of my blogging and my strong preference to avoid meeting anyone new through social media]…
Myself and so many others like me continue to find themselves day after day, over and over. I’d like it so much if I could arrive at a point in my life like one of my transgender girl friends: To completely forget I was ever born anything other than who I am. She is six or so years my senior, age gap notwithstanding. I try not to whine to her too much.
If I can’t be with her, I hope I can at least grow up to be like her. I’m still just a little girl…and even that fact oft times seems beyond me.