Something happened inside of me last Sunday that I haven’t had a chance to write about in length. I had planned to keep it in my private physical journal, but I have no problem sharing it here.
Last Friday marked my last day working for a company I had been brought on with once before. Unfortunately I was not able to find my way in permanently, but I departed on good terms once again. Leaving meant more for me than just being unemployed again though. With a new year ahead, I had already resolved in my mind that I needed to take yet another brave step in my journey despite still being apprehensive.
Meeting with my therapist that following Saturday helped me realize that it doesn’t matter where I choose to start my social transition as a female. I had somewhat decided to take a bar-tending course as Ren to expand my horizons and skill set while unemployed, but the question lingered as to why I couldn’t simply begin finding new work as Ren as well. Legally, it’ll be a bother, but working for another company as Ren where no one knows me would give me a chance to obtain even more experience, as I hear many [trans] men and women have done before they have legally had their name changed. I had thought continuing to fulfill society’s expectations until everything had lined up for me medically and financially (mainly for electrolysis and hormones) was the better strategy. At that time, I was not so sure, even with the potential ridicule and being obligatory outed to my employer.
Sunday was when it happened. I was planning to wait until the new year before I went from one day to every day living honestly. I was trying on a dress my artsy friend bought for me – I would have two now if I hadn’t forgotten Hot Topic’s sizes run stupidly small. I looked in the mirror, showing my natural hair and seeing the face of someone I had tolerated for far too long. At that moment, I decided to no longer wait for 2014. I put on my other glasses and wore my hair along with the dress. Not a drop of makeup.
I liked what I saw. I was happy with me. Except for the arms. They have to go. Crossing my fingers for hormones to do me a favor.
As the day progressed wearing regular sweats and I caught myself in my mirror, I just marveled at how happy I was with my appearance. I’ll never leave the house without some form of concealer and foundation until after I can afford electrolysis, but taking the step to be around the house, not put together by any means, was new, scary, and liberating. Most of all, it was incredibly reaffirming for myself as a female that I could go natural and truly love myself.
I nearly cried. Up to this point, I don’t think I ever grasped what that felt or looked like. It was another mental breakthrough; the most trying area of my transition. There’s still a lot of awkward under this roof, but I’m dealing with it.
I also followed through on another intent of mine for 2014. Using my face on Twitter now and the name I eventually want to be legally using. I’ll be honest that I do feel as though I have something to prove; I have felt less than accepted or worth acknowledging among other LGBT persons. I’ll still go by Renai, but nonetheless…
Hello, my name is Nina. Nice to meet you. Wishing you the very best in this new year. As for me, I’ll still be figuring myself out, hoping I can find the courage and means to remain a part of working society without discrimination of a different nature…