To some, it may seem as though I have found myself. That now I can finally walk along the full, self-realized path of truly living as I should be without any further questioning or faltering. This could not be any farther from the truth.
To those who think posting photos of myself is a sign that all is right in my world. That I am in no way scared or apprehensive of my future – what is palpably real and the transformation of my existence. I’m sorry, but you are also mistaken.
Six days of my week, I wake and immediately am reminded of my position to carry on this double life. Each of these days, I do whatever I can to cling to my accepted identity as a girl, but it’s so easy to become this awkward, sorry excuse of a male persona. These are the days I spend creating emotional friction against society, constantly grasping at and grappling with whatever it means to be a female while posing as a male.
The one day I discard the physical mask and show my true smile is the one day I believe I can do this forever. That everything up to now has made me a stronger, capable, and beautiful girl. On that single day of the week, I no longer feel like I’m lying to the world or myself.
But…I’m not strong at all. How quickly my confidence is eroded by fear and doubt by such mundane matters like never being acknowledged (or worse, verbally excluded) by other female friends in a room because they knew “him.” How easily I continue disengaging from recent acquaintances I want to support, all to avoid the questions and stares. How utterly self-conscious I am about my facial & physicality habits that most people won’t even take note of.
So many trivial things weigh on me, despite how much progress I’ve made since my birthday in August. Coming out has gotten a bit easier over time in part due to my already positive relationship with people winning out over the shock, but this is still just the beginning steps of something much larger and, truth be told, life-threatening in more ways than one…
The reality is that even though I’m now being open and acknowledging the good and bad that comes with explaining who I am and believe I have always been to people, I almost would rather not publicize it. It’s still such a scary & exciting thing, and there’s so much to be done in order to make my life as “Ren” a more tangible, honest reality. More times than not, I just want to be left alone & pause my life until everything is said and done. As I obviously can’t do that, I wind up disappearing from here & Twitter & anywhere else people who have just met “him” reside.
They say it gets better. Looking at myself from the perspective as a confused, unhappy pre-teen girl awaiting puberty, I’m inclined to believe that. Children are always in a rush to grow up because everything tiny thing seems so shitty at this moment, right? We believe rushing the growth process will make it easier to live and be happy. That’s how I would describe all that I’m experiencing inside.
After dealing with one very frustrating puberty once already, I think most would agree that is not entirely true at all…