In this city

matsuda_yuusuke-kusada
Art by matsuda yuusuke : Kusada
Started back at a temp job in the city I had back in late 2010. Very grateful to be able to return and work in a laid-back, yet professional company culture. Many familiar faces greeted me, and a number of standards have changed or evolved in my absence. All in all, it’s still the same atmosphere with much for me to re-learn.

Despite a huge drop in pay in comparison, I’m grateful to be back.

However, after seven months without much human interaction and a lot of mental and emotional changes within myself, coming back into this is already invoking in me a sense of disillusionment and distress. I’ve been in this situation before – I honestly don’t know how I define my gender identity for myself anymore. Much if this week has had me feeling neither male nor female, though predominately male given obvious circumstances. There are some things I could avoid or ignore in my personal space. Just can’t do that now.

What else is new…?

Walking through the city streets, the use of my voice, pronoun usage…I can already feel the effects of it at the end of week one. It’s so frustrating, despite knowing that this is typical. I think this is what makes people want to just give in and lose hope. The reality that chokes this city, and thusly seeps into my mental & emotional foundation, is difficult for me on a daily basis. This isn’t the first time, so I knew what working out here would do to me all over again…

I wonder…if that would be okay. Or enough. For me to be gender queer or adopt a non-binary identity. I don’t think it would be – it might be worse for me – though it seems pretty common in Japan as stated by someone I once met from there. For myself though, I prefer to be on the female spectrum, but then I’ve always identified somewhere blurred or fully female in the middle back in my text role-play days.

What is right for me in a world where gender is constantly reinforced in black and white terms? What can I live with for the rest of my life? As I revisit these very basic and legitimate questions I should already have the answer to, I become more and more apathetic to the expectations of society as a real threat to my very existence.

In a way, this is good. Though a destructive approach, it cuts me off from my innate desire to not offend and closer to my mindset of fuck you I’ll be the person I was meant to be. Eventually, I’ll quit thinking so much and just do whatever validates ME in this body and in this life. What I would give to destroy the doubt that haunts me. To not feel like a fake.

In this city, the wind tears through my body and tears form, as if coaxing out the growing pain and anger in the face of the harshest reality. And then…I see someone digging through the garbage outside McDonalds. This city truly brings out the worst in me.

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