Coming around to love

renai_1101I don’t exactly know where I want to go with this, but I thought it might be nice to attempt to write a little more.

I’ve always been so torn between my true identity as Ren and the other areas online where I have a presence as the person I’ve been for the past 26 years. It’s a very tiresome thing to feel that I need to split myself between the two, which is a big portion of why I disengage from this blog for weeks. What winds up happening is obvious: Neither identity gets attention so I lose either way.

Having come out as transgender a number of times already, I really feel it’s necessary for me to build my confidence in myself a lot more. What only my closest friends see is how much I have had to establish myself as a confident “male” with no sign of disdain for who I was. Doing this was only for the sake of being attractive to other women, which never felt right to me. I didn’t love myself, but I had to suppress those thoughts and feelings & focus on things I could like about myself instead to make myself believe that I was “handsome” or whatever. I couldn’t ever let on that that was the case.

So, in reality, now that I’m truly doing all I can to be who I was meant to be, all of that feigned self-confidence has left in place of self-doubt & uncertainty about my worth and self-image as a female. Yes, I smile so wonderfully in front of the camera and liven up in conversation whenever I’m physically expressing myself honestly, but there’s still so much I need to come to terms with on the inside. To feel that I’m worth being looked upon as female without wearing makeup. To establish my true identity as a female so that I can finally love myself from the inside out. These things are so important to me in becoming braver as I prepare to take further steps towards my transition.

One thing is for sure. S, my therapist, was right. Coming out to everyone under the roof I live, though still a bit awkward, was the best thing I could have done to free up my stresses. However, I have been avoiding public events with people who know me. My confidence is once again dwindling, but the more I come out, the braver I become. Even if it’s only a little.

I’ve already started strongly considering coming out to high school classmates this Saturday at a 10-year reunion prep meeting that I had many reservations about involving myself with. One of my long-time friends who was popular for all kinds of good and bad reasons is heading it off. We’ve had dinner before I came out for real in August, but the subject never came up. Though…using this prep as a positive reinforcement to support my friend (despite him seeing me recently) while being openly female may make coming out at the event much easier.

At the end of it all, this is about me and what is best for me. Though I really don’t have it all together and will live the double-life for quite some time yet – online and in reality – I can’t continue lying to myself and to others. What I’m trying to say is, now that I believe that I belong as Ren, I shouldn’t deny myself a bit of ranting here just to satisfy the false identity I entertain.

…I originally planned to share my feelings about romantic, feel-good films. Well then.


2 thoughts on “Coming around to love

  1. Hi Ren’Ai,

    It’s Jap Ren’Ai from Singapore here. It’s been so long since I last left a comment on your blog. I just read about your coming out to your family and I must say, that’s really brave of you to face the truth and accepting who you really are on the inside. I admire you for that and I can’t fathom how much you must have gone through to get to where you are today. Congratulations on finding you!! Keep your head up and stay strong. POWER to a reborn you!!

    p.s. I’m not Japanese, I’m actually a 3rd generation Indonesian Chinese Singaporean. HAHA, but thanks for thinking I’m Japanese, though I wish I was. 😉

    1. Well I certainly don’t judge on who someone wants to be haha~ I used to have a lot of SG friends online so it’s nice to hear from you anyway!

      Thank you for reading and leaving me a comment as well. I’m happy you find my story admirable as it has been and still is a learning process to truly finding my true self. I truly wish to become stronger and I hope I can make this journey of rebirth a positive one! Hope to hear from you again soon, JP Ren’Ai : )

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