So I heard you like…

Wanted to blog about this the day after it was shown to me almost a week ago, but I haven’t been in a writing/sharing mood…That is a horrible thing given what I want to do with my life.

pixiv-may0508
Pixiv @ may0508
As I listened to this song (semi-NSFW), I knew it would be stuck in my head the next day. Lo and behold, it was. However, it also began to rub me the wrong way and raise my gender dysphoria levels to the point of gradually shifting much of my week in a negative direction.

Yes, it’s satire. If you can see the humor in Lego stop-motion along with the witty lyrics as a testament to the low standards of some males who would like a girlfriend, then yes. It’s funny, damn catchy, and shouldn’t set off any offensive, feminist red lights if you aren’t looking for a fight.

Don’t get me wrong. I honestly didn’t know what to feel after watching this; I do admit to seeing how women would find this video offensive despite all the signs. Thankfully I wasn’t expected to give any manner of reaction under the gun. I was amused, but also bemused because I wondered how many guys actually have lowered their standards to simply have a girlfriend who can handle the most basic of human survival needs and be casually interesting. So I chuckled a bit, as my friend what a line in the song meant, and that was the end of that.

Next morning, the lyrics start to hit me. Hard. Mainly the “vagina” portion. You were warned.

Thoughts like…

“If guys want a ‘functioning vagina’, which is clearly a focus point of the song, I’m not even capable of meeting that standard…”

and..

“Regardless of my personality & attractive qualities, would a guy/girl even find me worth the time if they knew my genitalia wasn’t the female norm…?”

..began flooding my mind as I showered off the sweat and dirt from my exercise. I felt pretty horrible about my body, and considered the fact that being trans instantly put me outside the most basic of qualifications as a desirable female. Despite the humor in the song, the song took on a negative twist in my heart and troubled me for most of last week.

Though I’ve recovered, thanks to having a nice talk with an online “twin sister” of mine, I have begun questioning whether I should keep silent (on Twitter at least) about being transgender. Not due to any manner of shame – I won’t lie that I’m still grappling with my self-acceptance – but just so people aren’t immediately categorizing me or potentially turned off by the idea of hanging out because “their dick would get confused.”

In a recent blog, I said:

Honestly, I want to go stealth as soon as possible.

I meant what I said. I know people will judge me regardless and start dreaming up unsightly images once they realize “oh shit you’re a guy”. I’ll always have to carry that with me for the rest of my life, but my hope is to achieve a full SRS transition. Not to satisfy any male-dominated society standard, but for myself. To become the woman I should be. To be reminded of my birth gender less and less until I have obtained all I need to function as a woman [of color] in society.

Boy am I looking forward to being maligned and potentially physically threatened in more ways than one.

That was [not] a joke.

For now, all I want is to be taken seriously and honestly as a girl, whether I have a “functioning vagina” or not. Humans are more than sex organ they have. (Typing deliberate subliminal messages to yourself is the best, right?) On the other hand, I need to stop acting as though I have something to prove. Only then will I not feel obligated to constantly be on the defensive regarding my identity and lifestyle to be me.

Fuck, do I have such a long way to go…

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