A mere two weeks has passed since I came out as transgender to my mum & sister, which has set this new path permanently in motion. I waited, tested myself, and did all I could to let go and live without obsessing over the possibility that I may very well be trans*. Now that I have done one of the hardest things in my life, I now have to convince myself constantly that nothing necessarily has to change.
For me, that is difficult.
It’s as if I felt I had overcome the strangeness of presenting female and not having this sensation of awkwardness when I realize that this is what should feel right. It’s awkward because it doesn’t always feel right. And then I get upset when I feel like an enemy in the place I live because of what I look like. If I could be assured that this was not the case, I would feel better about myself.
Then I remember it’s not supposed to be about people’s opinions. Letting myself fall into the trap of feeling like I am worth nothing because of this “choice” hurts so much.
Then I start to doubt myself and everything that has led up to this. So much in my life has changed, and reaching a point of self-acceptance with how I have evolved in regards to my identity is something I always thought was unnecessary. It was never difficult to accept myself before now because I didn’t need to; I just had to be successful whether I was happy or not. To now have to maintain a strong sense of self while living according to my present ambitions is completely new to me. Thus, I find myself unable to stomp out the doubt that creeps in between who I am as an individual and the purpose I seek to fulfill.
Doesn’t help that I hear about trans men & women being treated like shit just for being who they are. There’s clearly a fight going on between cis people & the TG community and I really don’t want to be a part of something that appears to be the equivalent of high school drama. In all honesty, I want to go stealth as soon as possible.
However, if I cannot step up as transgender on a regular basis, I feel as though I’m invalidated. Though, the fact that I feel challenged by all of this should be something of a sign. No one asks for this, but I hate pretending and slipping into old habits. I also hate saying I’m something with very little to show for it. Though looking at this from an everyday perspective, a person is a uni student the moment they step onto the campus with the intent to go to a class. They have nothing to show for it other than their schedule, but that doesn’t invalidate them as a uni student. So should the same be for any person who has accepted the fact that their mind & soul does not match their body and assigned gender.
I present as male five days a week for various reasons, but I always am trying to break habits and work on my voice whenever I can. When I do present as female, I have a moderately high success rate of being taken seriously and a near perfect success rate over the phone. I may not feel as though I’m doing enough as a trans girl, but in all honesty, I’m changing what little I can now.
On the physical, that is.
Remembering that changing on the inside is much more of a necessity to me than anything or anyone else on the outside who may or may not accept what they are seeing when they look at me is the key to building a stable lifestyle foundation. If I can’t build up my missing self-acceptance on the inside, nothing else I want to do on the outside will make any difference at all. It’ll all just be smoke and mirrors, which upsets me just typing it – I know I am so much more…