Just as I predicted, I came back.
The thought of being transgender is something that has been extremely debilitating for me in almost all facets of my life. Not because of what it means, but because I have never encountered a trial that required such a seemingly insurmountable level of self-trust, confidence, and rebuilding in my life.
Two weeks ago on my birthday, I came out as transgender to my mum and sister while having lunch at a restaurant. I also told them I had been secretly going to therapy, which was how I began explaining to them my long-standing, nearly life-long struggle. They asked questions and expressed their concerns. Even though I had run this by my mum twice, albeit with much less conviction & certainty than this instance, my sister was more openly accepting as I had hoped. This event was the catalyst to truly accepting myself and starting my transition to living as a female.
My point of no return.
The events that led up to that day are recorded elsewhere, and a lot of shit has happened before and after that day. Shit that I shall share in another entry. It’s good shit, I promise.
The reason why I took a break is simple. I needed to see for myself – probably for the umpteenth time – whether my internal gender identity was truly something that was inescapable or if I had just been overly influenced by external stimuli.
Though the past appears to have volumes of proof of what is right for me, I still struggle with the sense that I don’t feel like I want/need to transition badly enough to see it through…
One of my biggest weaknesses is being easily influenced by opinions of others on matters I am not well-educated about. So I essentially cut out everything related to the trans* community and just went about my life as if nothing was wrong. As “a man.”
If I am truly am a troubled individual who has been born in the wrong gender, I should see my true reflection clearly without strain or mental acrobatics.
This was mid-June.
A mere month later, after being smacked in the face with a major body-mind conflict while taking a class, I came to accept the fact that this is real. I could not keep denying my self. I had done every manner of trial-and-error I could think of.
And yet, these conflicting feelings…the clash of gender expectations against what my heart and soul truly wished to express and live by…everything about being male/masculine/a man was, and is, limiting and cheapening of who I truly am. I watch the videos & read the stories of others who have transitioned or are identifying as female and I see myself.
“You’re worried about the possibility of being “wrong” when it’s your life to live…If you have to take it back, who cares?”
For years, I have felt absolutely cheated out of living and involving myself a gender circle that I wish I could have been born into. And now, I’ve taken the first step towards a new me. I’m holding to my personal truth and this awkward, wavering calm in my heart that I have accepted. I don’t expect to coast along, avoiding thoughts of inadequacy and frustration like an agile ballerina, but at least I now know what I must do to reclaim my body and satisfaction of doing what I have done all my life…
…doing what makes me happy regardless of whether I receive the approval of others.
Those are my words of today. According to my quotes sprinkled in this entry from my last entry, I believe I was able to figure out all I needed in relation to what was harming me, and what I needed to get sorted within myself.
“I think you are placing a lot of pressure on yourself that doesn’t need to be there…”
Most of all, I feel as though I can still do much of what I enjoy creatively, even if I have to give a portion of it up until I am comfortable coming out publicly. And if someone uses my trans* status as an excuse to vilify my cultivated abilities, I will find another way.
Full-time living is impossible so early on, and that’s okay. There is so much I’m looking forward to, and yet so much I am dreading having to deal with, lose and learn to say over and over.
“The path one takes is never linear. Transitioning is something that happens as they are able in no definitive order…”
I know that I have support from a few friends and my sister, however. So, little by little, I think I will be smiling much more…
“The pendulum is swinging much too fast for you, and it needs to slow down so you can meet somewhere in the middle…”
Only time will tell, but I’m allowing this steady, slow rhythm to keep my pace comfortable and reasonable as I keep walking forward towards my goals.