I have never posted something like this before. However, in light of having more than one reader, I should be responsible and open about what is going on with me.
At the end of my therapy session yesterday, I could tell that S was extremely baffled by my dramatic swing of doubt from the strong confidence of certainty I exhibited two weeks ago. The cherry on top was telling her that I had decided to take a break from attending therapy. I reassured her that my decision was unrelated to her and I would be coming back if I believed it was the right time. She was as understanding as anyone could (and should) be and I left feeling a weight of sadness.
Believe it or not, parting ways with someone I’ve come to rely is never an easy thing for me. That’s why I tend to rely on very few, if anyone at all.
I drove home in silence, trying to store the suggestions S had shared with me…
You’re worried about the possibility of being “wrong” when it’s your life to live…If you have to take it back, who cares?
I think you are placing a lot of pressure on yourself that doesn’t need to be there…
The path one takes is never linear. Transitioning is something that happens as they are able in no definitive order…
The pendulum is swinging much too fast for you, and it needs to slow down so you can meet somewhere in the middle…
I laid in my bed and wrote in my physical journal that had only one page filled from last September. There was every intent to not have anything more to say than what I had dumped into that book. And even then, I’m fairly certain I was still censoring myself, not writing everything that was necessary to admit to myself.
There is one thing I did want to admit here though. I’m taking a break from this blog and Twitter.
There’s no way to put it into proper words that will keep anyone from asking “why”, but I have placed too much emphasis on the matter of where I fall in my gender identity. So much so that I have lost sight of that which is most important to me: My creativity. I have been entirely too distracted and distraught by thoughts of who and what I am as an individual that it has gradually paralyzed me mentally.
I realized today that it doesn’t matter how I present to the world. As long as I’m doing what it is I know I exist to do and can get the job done, how I look/speak/identify is completely irrelevant. There will always be that person or group that will not accept me regardless of what I do or say, but if I am expressing myself in a way that is effective and valuable, nothing else matters.
This sounds a bit like where I was going in my thought processes a few entries back…I don’t think this is the same line of thinking, however. Exploring this more is what I wish to do. On my own. Without any further distractions, possibilities, or considerations regarding gender identity thrown at me.
The thought of being transgender is something that has been extremely debilitating for me in almost all facets of my life. Not because of what it means, but because I have never encountered a trial that required such a seemingly insurmountable level of self-trust, confidence, and rebuilding in my life. I have learned so much in these past few months from therapy, other bloggers, and my own research in my spurts of grounded reality. I want to take this, and refocus myself solely on my pursuits and life decisions. Though this is selfish, a special thank you to those who have reached out to me in this personal space.
Though the past appears to have volumes of proof of what is right for me, I still struggle with the sense that I don’t feel like I want/need to transition badly enough to see it through…That trigger has been a defining factor in many of the skills and abilities I have cultivated to be valuable in this world. In other words, if I am not walking the walk, my talk is bullshit.
My hope is that by doing this, I can tackle my creativity and life choices through educated eyes and somehow find the transparent looking glass of honesty within my heart and soul one decision at a time without having to think twice. If I am truly am a troubled individual who has been born in the wrong gender, I should see my true reflection clearly without strain or mental acrobatics.
Fuck having to spray Windex and wipe with a Bounty paper towel. Ain’t nobody got time for that!
Chances are high that I will come back, as I have in the past, for one reason or another. For now though, I just need time to sort me out all over again without dragging along anyone’s expectations. Thank you for understanding…