Entry #221

akemi_homura_sketchI should be working towards my future desires of becoming a fiction writer.

I should be creating connections with people of like-minded motivations.

I should be focusing much more on contributing to society in some way.

Instead, for the past three weeks, I have losing the productivity battle, incapable of any of this.

Instead, I’m here in the middle of the day writing an entry that I apparently need to get off my chest.

Instead, I’m here finding another stupid reason to procrastinate, using my confusion, frustrations, and dysphoria as an excuse.

There’s still a lot going on inside of me…Sharing my feelings may help me though it. Though I may be much better off re-reading a past entry or three.

This weekend, I failed to do what I said I was planning to do. For some reason, I could not bring myself to stop everyone in their lively expressions of fun, have all eyes on me, and make a personal, highly private declaration that would 1) immediately bring down the entire upbeat mood and 2) be something I would have a hard time taking back.

And that’s the thing. The thought of ever having to relinquish my statement of being transgender is what kept me from doing it.

Anyone would think that after reading my last few entries that there is nothing in the world that could ever cause me to think anything beyond the absolute certainty of having the mind of a woman trapped in the physical representation of a male. That I had overcome the fear of society’s ridicule. That I was comfortable and happy knowing that I’d be embracing that which I had repressed for so very long.

I thought all these things…

And yet, even after a pep talk from my best friend after we came back from seeing our con friends, I’m still wondering. Still second-guessing. Doing the same damn shuffle that I wanted to avoid and foresaw happening unless I had arrived at the purest of conclusions.

There are just too many distractions online. My own gender conflicts are not making it any easier for me to understand just what the fuck I am living for anymore. So I’ve disengaged from Twitter because there is too much negativity & noise for my liking from trans* and cis people alike. Couldn’t get rid of Facebook though…

________________

Why am I seeking stable work again? To fund my transition and/or to finally move out.

Why am I unable to follow through with what I’ve been smacked across the face with countless times already? Because it’s too difficult to grasp. Like a slippery fish.

Since when do I let something that’s “too difficult” stop me? Since it has 100% to do with my lifestyle and identity – something I thought I understood and thought I could handle.

Is transitioning necessary for you to be happy with yourself? I don’t even know why I’m unhappy anymore or if that’s even an affecting element in my well-being.

This is why I am hardly the right person to ever be an example of the trans* community. I’m such a mess and ashamed of myself. I want to be real and honest to anyone and everyone, but all I keep doing is back-stepping when things get too hard…

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “Entry #221

  1. What you see is what you’re looking at. ~Myles Munroe

    Hi Ren’ Ai,

    This week I was thinking alot about how people see us, mostly because how people experience me doesn’t seem to be how I see myself (in positive and negative terms). However, sometimes what people experience has some truth in it we cannot access yet…but I think is worth exploring…possibly embracing. At times, it can provide a shift. For instance, I was told I’d make a great mom someday, but I never saw it because it didn’t fit my lifestyle or finances. As I grow into the person I am, I see more of what people posed to me. So, now when friends say certain things I try to listen and see if it has anything of deep value for me, I can use toward inner peace.
    Sometimes there is, and then other times it has real use (life a really old boyfriend who has to always reference to our sexual life when we are now friends). I say that because to me, you are already a writer. The way you express yourself is so eloquent and clear, even regarding deep twisty concepts. And I understand procrastination, I have some issues with it too. So you may already be exposing yourself to like mined folk. 🙂 I also feel that this second guess, wondering, thinking over things is what those connected to heart and life and self do. It’s a plague that is a blessing in disguise. And when we have one answer there will be another question.

    But I sincerely think you already are what you strive for even if you’re not expressing it in every increment of what you’d like, at every moment. Least from where I’m standing… xo

    1. Hi Tanyeno,

      No worries on typos. Usually can parse them either way. 🙂

      There are definitely instances where others see things in us that we may not realize just yet. That is a blessing in itself, especially if it can bring us in touch further with our inner-most self. Having a nugget of insight revealed to us can sometimes bring us to greater confidence – something I think we all need in our lives.

      I appreciate your comment because you (and a few others) have been sources of these “nuggets” that have been valuable along my journey. I simply hold myself to a standard that is much too lofty, and that can harm my positive perceptions on matters that might be clear-cut to others. The questions are always there, even when kind, well-meaning people like you share your experiences. Even when I am unable to utilize proper hindsight, I am thankful to you & others who perceive progress in ways I cannot.

      You are a strong, sensitive, talented person for sure. So please keep striving & cultivating the work you wish to share with the world. I will do what I can to follow those same values. xo

      1. Ren’Ai,

        Okay!

        You said: “There are definitely instances where others see things in us that we may not realize just yet. That is a blessing in itself, especially if it can bring us in touch further with our inner-most self.”

        *Agreed!*

        “Having a nugget of insight revealed to us can sometimes bring us to greater confidence – something I think we all need in our lives.” YES…ALL OF US (MYSELF INCLUDED). In fact I look for that sometimes.

        Thank-you for receiving what I’ve said here. And I think it’s lovely you are able to receive the insights of others concerning your progress as well.

        I am thank-you in return of yours of me. I will ‘continue to strive and cultivate the work I hope to share with the world,’ these words are my ‘nugget.’

        I will and you must…as well.

        xo

Share your thoughts below!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s