I should be working towards my future desires of becoming a fiction writer.
I should be creating connections with people of like-minded motivations.
I should be focusing much more on contributing to society in some way.
Instead, for the past three weeks, I have losing the productivity battle, incapable of any of this.
Instead, I’m here in the middle of the day writing an entry that I apparently need to get off my chest.
Instead, I’m here finding another stupid reason to procrastinate, using my confusion, frustrations, and dysphoria as an excuse.
There’s still a lot going on inside of me…Sharing my feelings may help me though it. Though I may be much better off re-reading a past entry or three.
This weekend, I failed to do what I said I was planning to do. For some reason, I could not bring myself to stop everyone in their lively expressions of fun, have all eyes on me, and make a personal, highly private declaration that would 1) immediately bring down the entire upbeat mood and 2) be something I would have a hard time taking back.
And that’s the thing. The thought of ever having to relinquish my statement of being transgender is what kept me from doing it.
Anyone would think that after reading my last few entries that there is nothing in the world that could ever cause me to think anything beyond the absolute certainty of having the mind of a woman trapped in the physical representation of a male. That I had overcome the fear of society’s ridicule. That I was comfortable and happy knowing that I’d be embracing that which I had repressed for so very long.
I thought all these things…
And yet, even after a pep talk from my best friend after we came back from seeing our con friends, I’m still wondering. Still second-guessing. Doing the same damn shuffle that I wanted to avoid and foresaw happening unless I had arrived at the purest of conclusions.
There are just too many distractions online. My own gender conflicts are not making it any easier for me to understand just what the fuck I am living for anymore. So I’ve disengaged from Twitter because there is too much negativity & noise for my liking from trans* and cis people alike. Couldn’t get rid of Facebook though…
Why am I seeking stable work again? To fund my transition and/or to finally move out.
Why am I unable to follow through with what I’ve been smacked across the face with countless times already? Because it’s too difficult to grasp. Like a slippery fish.
Since when do I let something that’s “too difficult” stop me? Since it has 100% to do with my lifestyle and identity – something I thought I understood and thought I could handle.
Is transitioning necessary for you to be happy with yourself? I don’t even know why I’m unhappy anymore or if that’s even an affecting element in my well-being.
This is why I am hardly the right person to ever be an example of the trans* community. I’m such a mess and ashamed of myself. I want to be real and honest to anyone and everyone, but all I keep doing is back-stepping when things get too hard…