Finding natural rhythm

renai_1017My therapy session last Saturday led me to a strange and liberating truth.

I had become enlightened to the truth of my own desire to take hold of my identity as a female, and then the following week, disillusioned as to what that even meant in terms of my every day life. I was somehow expecting my awareness to alter my every day perception. That everything that I did in life was to, for some reason, be inherently attuned to what I believe to be true and honest in my heart & mind. When that wasn’t happening and I realized every day was just as it was for me prior to embracing my heart, I became frustrated and scared that I may be lying to myself yet again.

With no clue where my therapy session would go, I eventually shared with S that the seed of doubt was clouding my judgment and distressing me further.

Then she asked me what would be different in my every day life if things were supposed to adjust to my feminine perceptions.

I was at a loss of an answer…because no matter what happens on the outside, I will always be me. The only every day matter that would change is how much time I spend in front of the mirror and how society may or may not deem me a human being. Those two things aren’t yet in motion daily, but that’s all right. I’d still be doing the same things even if they were.

Suddenly, I had traversed another hurdle and I was allowed to be happy and confortable with myself again. So much so that I have been actively working my voice in real-time phone conversations and to myself. Though I won’t ever be respected and accepted as female until I begin a honest transition, I have found great success in being consistently called “miss” and “ma’am” when dealing with male & female receptionists in the last week.

Finally, I’m at a point where I don’t feel as though I’m acting out or I’m missing something.

Though there are habitual shifts here and there, or my voice is too relaxed and slips back into a lower register, it’s okay. I can be okay. I’m trying to be me little by little.

Either tomorrow or Sunday, I’m supposed to reveal my biggest secret to my con friends. S knows I’ll be doing this also & a week from now she’s sure to ask about how it went. I just…hope I’ll have the courage and foundation to keep moving forward like my Twitter twin, Rinai, says I have. Could really use so much more.


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