In truth

renai_1006I’ve been in a horrible state of wavering uncertainty for this entire week. It’s not something I want to admit because of how confident and reassured I was last week. The one thing I avoid making a habit of is talking about what I’m going to do rather than saying I did it. Otherwise, I feel pressured to follow through. In this case, it’s not pressure I feel, but apathy stemming from the mundane daily grind of life as it’s always been.

How it was even before I decided to give myself a chance at being happy with my self.

Meandering through each day erodes away at those precious flashes of clarity that have peppered my mental, emotional, and psychological journey towards becoming the person I should be in both body and soul. It’s so subtle that I only realize it has happened when I turn my attention inwardly again and find myself bewildered at what seemingly has been stripped away from me. The foundation I thought I had barely remains and I am unable to recall the memories that formed it. What remains is this emptiness, a negative form of apathy that accepts how things are and how they’ve always been.

Like…why should I even try to make sense of this anymore. I just wanted to stop caring.

Yes, I could reread old entries and remind myself, but what kind of stability is that? What would I do if this blog was ever deleted somehow and, in the midst of my social transition, I lose sight of my footing again just like I have this week (and have a history of). Then what?

See, it’s no longer fear of what society or my family may say if I were to transition to become a woman. It’s now all on me and my ability to know what will make the most sense for my life and my happiness in the end. When left to my own devices, I slip further into a fog from the point I thought was clear as day. Something in my subconscious is not agreeing with the idea and fighting against me.

I don’t know if all this is natural, but it’s been bringing me down, as is the thought of what I said I would be doing next week. I did see my therapist, S, last week and she was pleased with the progress I [thought I] had made. Recalling her asking me where I thought I would be in 5 years if I were to transition seems like such a silly question when it feels as though I’ve taken a number of steps back again…

The more I learn about the transgender community and all that goes with it, the more difficult it becomes to trust myself. S has encouraged me to be out and about as a woman more often to balance out my body with my inner-most desires, but there’s no way to do so while still living at home short of coming out. I could be overreacting, but maybe this is what I need. Maybe I need to realize something new about myself so I can keep moving forward. I’m in no rush, but I am just so tired of the inconsistencies, the confusion, and the frustrations…

I had planned to continue this when I awoke… and debated not posting it at all. Instead, I’ve written a follow-up entry that connects with this one.

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5 thoughts on “In truth

  1. I have found myself going through the same ups and downs, the same highs and lows in how I see myself compared to the reality I live every day.It is exhausting to maintain the inner image against the one in the mirror, the one you know those around you hold. Yes, it may be being fully out is the only answer to this, but don’t rush it. When your ready to take such a step you will know.

    ((Hugs))

    Kira

    1. Thank you, Kira. It’s always comforting to know that what I’m experiencing isn’t some strange anomaly in this process. I want to do more to overcome this – more so, I want to solidify my inner image permanently – but as you said, there’s no good in rushing. At the right time how ever way I guess.

      ::hugs::

  2. I’m going through the same ups and downs. I think in my case it has an impact that I never let myself trust my instincts and now all of a suddem I have to make decisions using only my instinct. I was anxious for years so I always used my intellectual brain, rather than my intuitive brain, when making choices.

    I’ve found that if I’m feeling down, it helps me to re-read posts I put up a few days ago on good days. But I’m NEVER AGAIN gonna read all my posts in one go cause that’s a one-way ticket to Depressionsville and I’m not reallya fan of going there.
    Love, Kate

    1. Kate, thank you for visiting my blog & sharing your personal experience with this sort of thing.

      It’s definitely a hard thing for anyone, including me and you, to avoid always dealing with life and all its idiosyncrasies from solely an intellectual, critical mindset. That can drive someone mad. To let go and know (or remember, by reading recent posts) that the moment is still ours without our needing to manipulate or reason through it is something I’m now in the process of learning.

      I also agree that reading too much of the past will often trigger unwanted emotions. No fan of that either; keeping my recollections to recent entries has been helpful.

      Hugs and love, Ren

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