To thine own self

renai_997At some point during last week, I believe I had reached a level of self-acceptance and confidence that seemed distant and out of reach. It all started with a guy…

This guy is probably not someone I will blog about again unless something unreal happens. So I won’t bother naming him.

This guy is someone I have had this inexplicable crush on for years. Like, my body and face get so heated whenever we talk on the phone. Yes, he’s heard my voice. Last week, after a month or so of not speaking, I contacted him through text to find out if we would be able to meet in person some time soon. My face was burning even while sending that message. Why?

Why else? Because I’m crushing on a guy, which is extremely rare.

And he knows what I look like when I’m not en femme, which is very embarrassing. Kills the whole suspension of belief thing. At least it would for me.

Random commentator: OMG Ren’Ai why you so shallow?
Me: I’m not shallow. I’m real. Sorry if that offends you.

Glad we got that settled. Moving on.

So it turns out we can meet some time in August. He and I have spoken about my gender dysphoria and I have made it pretty clear that I will be presenting as female whenever we do meet. He doesn’t seem to mind and doesn’t ask many questions to begin with. However, this personal certainty I reached within my heart about spending time with him as a female, coupled with a number of memories spanning from my childhood to adulthood years and a valuable conversation with my artsy friend, soon brought me to the state of mind I initially spoke about at the start of this entry.

By accepting all of my self…

My idiosyncrasies…

My heart, mind, and sincere emotions…

My personal happiness no longer dictated by what was, should, or could be in society…

The proof that I have always known something was off about me but had no idea what it was, which led to simply finding ways to fit in and deny it constantly…

…I think I may have finally arrived at the truth of who I have not been able to be, rooted in psychological and emotional truth & frustration, rather than in a physical stylings or a disguise as a seemingly superficial trigger.

I don’t want to be a man. Not just physically. Mentally also. I don’t want to be seen or socially acknowledged as a man. It’s quite possible that I never have wanted that. Though I have learned how to act and dress like one, it has never felt correct. All I have done is adapt and survive in my trained ignorance and, in my adult years, maddening denial.

I eluded to accepting myself as transgender two entries back. The more I have revealed of my personality and mentality that has been restrained out of fear, the more my identity seems to have taken on a more tangible, honest shape. It doesn’t seem like much, but my biggest lingering doubt was the possibility that these feelings were being triggered by the physical act of presenting as female, which seemed highly fickle and disingenuous. After I decided to become braver after my episode, everything just seems much less clouded.

The more people I am around, whether strangers or not, creates this invisible pressure that weighs down on my entire being. I don’t want to move, speak, or anything because every gaze instantly deems me male. And just any male – a “black” male. I’ve been blessed to avoid overt discrimination, but the idea of constantly being viewed as male drives me up the wall to the point where I can’t breathe and want to hide.

I’m becoming more confident that transitioning is something I need to do, whereas only a few weeks ago I never felt any sort of “need”. It’s not a frantic, unbearable need, but I am more acutely aware of my deep-rooted feelings than I ever have been before. Little by little, self-acceptance trickles into my soul, filling it up with the confidence I need to take action when the time is right.

I will attempt to relay this in a condensed form to my therapist this Saturday and get her feedback & insight. If what I am experiencing remains consistent – and this is an experience more than anything else – I have already decided to explain to a group of my anime con friends I’ll be seeing in June exactly what spurred on my sudden change back in 2012. For sure I’ll be out and about that day so they can hopefully process my confession more easily when I, for the first time, come out as transgender…

A great man from my teenage years once said:

“And I am whatever I say I am
If I wasn’t then why would I say I am?”
In the papers, the news, everyday I am

I don’t know it’s just the way I am”
– Eminem


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