Not quite sure where to begin.
I will say that this entry from Kira basically sums up much of what I’ve been experiencing off and on the last few days. This sense of stagnation. A blurring of direction. A loss of urgency. Yes, I elude to similar things in my previous entry.
However, in my quest to reveal myself, be braver, and give space to live and breathe a more honest existence in how I carry my self from day to day, I have experienced this rare sensation of being whole on the inside. This is to say that though my body does not reflect it properly, the level of self-acceptance of the girl on the inside is rising the more I embrace her. Me. I find that my feelings are more honest, conversation with people I once did everything possible to avoid is no longer a burden, and smiles are simpler to offer. Despite not reflecting the physical female, I have found myself more at ease with who I believe I truly am where it matters most.
I’m no longer trying to be something that I’m not, hiding behind silence and fear to refrain from speaking the words or showing the feminine qualities that might be deemed queer. For a little over a week, I have been this way. And it feels right.
Chances are, there has been an entry similar to this where I claim to have reached a point where I can safely feel confident in my gender identity. What’s completely different about this time is that I am not experiencing these sensations of clarity and truthfulness while sitting in a wig, skinny jeans, and makeup. This is what I have been trying to clarify since the very beginning – the inner journey of realizing within my being that there is a scared, lost girl I have kept hidden for years and years who only comes out when I write in this blog.
Conquering my fears, refusing to deny my self anymore, opening my heart up to live a more honest life…these things and more appear to be taking shape from the theoretical to the tangible. Happiness seems much more accessible than ever before without having a lover. Though I continue to question and delve into my memories for self-validation of the truth I’ve unconsciously sought after for most of my life, a simple question seems to hold all I require.
If I could have been born female, would I have wanted that more than this?
The answer is always yes…
To think I have solidified my need to transition in a matter of days is preposterous, but it sure does seem crystal clear. At this point, I think there is still room to grow and explore this wider, more freeing space. Not only that, but after having a talk with my artsy friend the other night, I feel less of a need to tell my mum of all this right away. Continuing to attend therapy along with testing these seemingly new emotional, mental, and psychological waters I have discovered until I have the means to move out seems to be best. That way, there should be much fewer questions for myself, and many more answers that I can confidently speak out about to those who would certainly approach me.
A Christian girl friend of mine who I came out to last year, who has probably forgotten all about my dysphoria, keeps telling me to “be strong.” Being strong is the story of my life, and if HRT is in my future, I’ll have to be so much stronger. The very person telling me to be strong could very well leave me due to her convictions, along with many others.