My previous entry was the very ugly side of me that I usually keep hidden. I’m not sorry you had to see that because if I was, I would have never taken to this blog to let it out. Thank you to those who reached out in the comments or on Twitter.
Those who didn’t, eh. No matter. All of you are wonderful regardless because you read this blog of all things. I don’t blog for attention, but because I have a story to share. This is why I am the last person you should expect to ever blog daily.
Isn’t that just fantastic? ♥
Exactly a week ago of that previous psychological breakdown, I chatted with someone I know on Twitter right after who was also dealing with some family issues. In a very short time, I felt much more at ease with myself and how I felt about everything. Why? Because I had finally admitted to myself how petrified I am of a number of intangible entities in my psyche among other things. This helped me understand for myself how unhappy I have been for so long and how foolish I have been to live in such a restricted fashion simply due to my knee-jerk reaction to living in my mum’s b/f’s house. My fears were out in the open, and because I could identify them, I could also overcome many of them.
Since last Saturday, I have been in a state somewhere between content and apathetic. Not quite completely bright and friendly and not nearly as “I-don’t-give-two-shits”. Just…braver.
Braver in that I have been saying “hello” to my mum’s b/f without caring if he replied back and had a few conversations with him on Saturday.
Braver in the sense that I have been leaving myself nearly completely open in how I approach my family members and my own lifestyle. I don’t feel the need to hide important aspects of myself that I felt society would judge or ridicule as being “girly” or “feminine”. I’m just, you know, being myself.
…Whatever the fuck that is.
But seriously, that’s how I’ve been living all week. I’ve also been wrapped up in my work, and taking risks with people I don’t know personally. I’m thinking clearer and not feeling as though I am fighting an emotional battle every single day. I’m not resisting conversation with my brother and respecting my mum’s b/f, which has positively changed how I carry myself through each day as I am almost always in the house.
Day by day, I hold onto the thought of what could I do if I were braver. Who could I be if I lived a whole life. What would happen if I let go and disregarded what society deems as “normal” or “natural” and just did what I felt was right for me. I’m honestly trying to figure this out and wrap my head around it for myself. The biggest struggle for me is knowing what is real and true in my heart in the midst of years of denial and simply shrugging my shoulders at all these unsightly masculine changes that kept appearing. This week has been one that, I believe, is allowing me to “just be” and see what happens.
Strange how I come to these drastic epiphanies during bi-weekly periods where I skip a week of therapy. This happened last time as well, but those feelings didn’t last long. These thoughts and mindset have endured through the week. Suppose that’s as good of a sign as any; being honest with myself and living an honest lifestyle.
I don’t have to wear girl’s clothes or the makeup, even though I want to. What’s necessary is getting to a place where I know without a shadow of a doubt that what I am doing and experiencing inside of me is right for me without needing something on the outside cuing me to feel something. That’s the only way I will know where I truly stand in my gender identity. Until then, I could very well be regressing. Perhaps reinventing. Who knows?
And I wasn’t being facetious. I honestly have been suffering on a daily basis for who knows how long until this past Saturday. I’m still hurting, but so so SO much less. I think that speaks for itself of how much of a mess I have been and what I hope I can come to better terms with.
I started this journey January 2012, but there were clearly many other things going on underneath the surface issue of being fed up with trying to be something I don’t feel any desire to be. I’m hoping to discover where to go from here…