Though it was completely unplanned, I wound up confronting my mum this evening about how her boyfriend has been abusing his power.
I also told her that we need to talk this Saturday. I was upset enough to push that on her now. More on that later.
Why was I upset? If you guessed the “power abuse” thing, glad you’re still with me.
A little over a week ago, mum’s boyfriend completely refused to hear me out when I wanted to have a calm conversation about how we could work out avoiding not having internet for 2 days straight which would cripple me from submitting for paid work. To summarize how he responded: “fuck you it’s my stuff and my house.” Apparently, he acted this way because I said I was too busy at the time to help move the computer & other things.
Yes, I was too busy trying to survive life and make a living. Did kind of want some me-time too. So very sorry.
Mum kept saying that I need to make sacrifices for people, but she kept avoiding the fact that I was not a complete asshole when I said no the one time he asked and he was. Ultimately, she was saying “if you don’t bend over for him, expect to be shafted” which is absolute bullshit. Called her out on just sitting there watching me take his shit when he was cutting me off from making any reasonable suggestions to remedy the issue.
This happened also:
Haven’t spoken to him directly since. Done trying to reason with someone who thinks they are in control and expects things to go their way regardless.
Jumping back to last night, I walked out to take out the garbage and expected not to speak to her for the rest of the evening. Instead, she made small-talk with me, letting me know about more shit her cripple b/f couldn’t do himself. She also said she would ask him about my wired internet connection (I’ve used wireless in the mean time, but can’t stream from my PS3) that was still conveniently disconnected even though the furniture had been moved back. Probably for penance regarding her passive attitude. Of course I was nice and said I would help…
…until she told me he didn’t want company over on Saturday.
Saturday is usually the only day during the week I usually see my artsy friend to hang out, watch anime, and all that. In other words, the only day I’m remotely happy unless I’m Skyping with another friend. He’s been coming by to keep me from spending gas money to travel, as he is aware of my job situation. So not only has her b/f conveniently positioned the router and left me disconnected, he is now cutting my social time on Saturdays with zero justification.
Can you see why I’m upset?
I don’t usually rant about my home life, but I’ve been avoiding Twitter as one of the distractions I mentioned in my previous entry. What this entry was really meant to center on was how I’ve purposefully cut out the things in my life that I believe have been more of a hindrance to reaching a point of clarity within myself regarding my gender identity. So far, I think it’s working, though I’m still hard-pressed to know for sure as it hasn’t even been a week yet.
What I’m really after is pinning down what those who have transitioned describe as a feeling of “self-loathing” that drove them to do so. I don’t quite know what this is or looks like. I’ve brainwashed myself into believing that I am okay like this. I found something to like about myself and I honed in on that to avoid lacking confidence in myself as a person. That anything less is unacceptable so I could survive. It’s difficult to pick up on this feeling, though I think it smacked me across the face when a teacher told me the following yesterday:
I want to feel like I’m enough. I want to be looked at and loved properly with my body being able to move as I feel inside. I’m sick of being silently treated as if I shouldn’t (or wouldn’t want to) be a part of the conversation because I am physically male. I don’t want to be trapped between two gender standards where neither can make me happy. I want to show the real me and not feel like I’m staring at my worst enemy in the mirror every day. And for crying out loud, I want to quit trying to be something that I’m not – tough, bad-boy, overtly dominant, etc. – just so I can stand a chance at attracting a proper mate.
When she said that to me, I was immediately reminded of how much I am playing “male” and how miserable it has been. The same woman and another older male also made me realize that I have no idea what it means to “act like a guy” or “do guy things” because I never cared or wanted to. Though I had a few guy friends growing up, it was still awkward; only video games, school activities, cartoons bound us. I had to have one in high school teach me how to dress better so I could be more “masculine.” I just keep up this farce and wear these stupid, unflattering clothes I bought to keep in line. I do it because it’s easy, is less of a hassle to just do what I’ve always done, and will keep others from thinking any different of me.
All of the above being the worst possible reasons to do anything in life regarding something so personal.
In lieu of nearly crying at that comment regarding my body, my anger with my mum’s boyfriend and urgency to have this conversation led me to reserve time for her and I to talk. At first I wanted to do what we always do – go out to eat somewhere, have a drink to loosen up, then get personal. Then I changed it to “whenever you’re home since I can’t have my friend over anyway.” I was hoping to come out to a gay friend of mine, but he’s busy this weekend. So this works out perfectly.
I just want this all this confusion to be over. Yet rushing into this with no words prepped and no clear direction is intimidating. Am I supposed to perpetually feel as though I’m risking my life? I really just want to be out of this house. To be free. To be happy…if not with myself, then with real changes I can grasp.
If I am to find myself and become the person I thought could only exist in fantasy and my imagination, this would be the time to do it while I’m not bound to any employer. Simply bound to this house which I nary feel welcome in.