You think [’cause I feel]

renai_938Staring at this empty, white space each time is always daunting. Especially close to 3AM. However, this space is meant to be filled with my memories, struggles, and good things. There are so many thoughts swirling in my head; I only wish I had more good things in my life to acknowledge.

When all else fails, talk about therapy.

Last week, I prefaced my visit to therapy with some special time with a lovely friend of mine who has transitioned socially MtF. She and I usually wind up discussing my personal matters because I do admire her courageousness and strength at such a young age to embrace that which she knew was her gender identity. I, meanwhile, tacked on a “but” to every affirming statement; my fear & uncertainty consistently apparent. She replied to one of these “but” statements with something along the lines of:

If you mom thinks that your [gender dysphoria] isn’t real, you should show her that it is and dress more consistently.

The next day, my therapist, S, suggested something similar:

Rather than approach your mother in a contentious fashion, tell her how you feel you can’t express yourself at home…as a way of tugging at her heartstrings.

So basically, I need to find a period in less than two weeks before my next session to explain to her what this is all about and that I have been perpetually unhappy with myself. This would make it the third time I have been open with her about this, but this time, I would bring in my emotional health which I avoided. My explanation needs to be clear as day to the point of where I can freely express myself as female with her understanding. S asked me what I thought her reaction would be. I really couldn’t say for sure. Though, if I can get past this with my mum, and, most importantly, myself, then I’ll have an easier time telling others.

Especially now that there is a possibility of me sharing a rented house with a bunch of my creative friends come Summer. Either succeed as a freelance writer before mid-May or go back to furthering someone else’s dream as some office worker so I can actually move out this year.

She also mentioned that we should discuss the various ways of presenting as female without having to go the whole mile with makeup and such. I have lived within the gender binary for so long that it has been difficult for me to be fully comfortable in my presentation unless I’ve gone as far to the female spectrum as possible. I’d truly like to discover new ways of expressing femininity without discouraging myself with my overall appearance. Though I’ve observed my mum, I strangely don’t feel as though she is the best example.

When all is said and done, I want to be able to speak to my mum in confidence of what I know is right for me, not being my usual accommodating self. Meaning…arriving at a point in my mind where I know this is what I need to do. My heart, soul, and mind are still at odds, and just when I think I’ve reached a point of self-acceptance, something in the present draws me right back out. It hurts, and I’m so tired of fighting this confusing reality against the reality I’ve built up around me all these years.

My girl friend I mentioned earlier helped me realize that I’m putting too much on myself. That my life goals aren’t in nearly as much danger as I believed them to be. I’m always trying to set the “what if’s” in a nice little, clear-cut row. Is that even possible or am I just severely distracted…? She said:

To be blunt, you’re worrying about things that really don’t need an answer right now or can’t be answered.

I’m very thankful we caught up with each other. So, in hopes of finding my way, I’m cutting away as many distractions as possible…

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