So where to begin…
Guess I’ll start with the most poignant matter. This past Saturday was my first time out and about since November. That’s over 5 months for those keeping count. Though I noted my hesitation in my previous entry, I was too excited, anxious, frustrated, and happy not to. There was a lot of working myself up, sleep lost, and “fuck it”s stated, but I did it.
And I am so very glad I did. My therapy session was even more casual and focused than it had ever been before.
As usual, I was late getting to my therapist, but she knew who I was immediately. This is not to say I didn’t “pass”, but we had a damn appointment and she had just texted me seconds before I walked in. One of the first things she said after getting coffee was “you look great!”. I immediately turned it back on her with my own compliment, which came naturally despite my brainwashing for withholding such comments towards females. I was really happy to hear that she liked my look.
Much of our session was comprised of where I was emotionally, mentally, and physically while being out as Ren. I obviously can’t remember every minute detail, but I was completely relaxed and comfortable as we had a very free-form discussion…
“When you’re out in public, do you feel like you are being perceived differently?”
“Yah of course I do, but I’ve learned to put that out of my mind the more I’ve been out. People can feel those vibes of awkwardness, so I try to be as natural as possible so I don’t give off weird vibes. I want people to think they are weird for thinking that there was something weird about me.”
Eventually, we got on the subject of HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy). Actually, I’m pretty sure I’m the one who brought it up. Truth be told, my knowledge was and still is very limited on the subject, but she and I discussed what that sort of thing would entail. Turns out things have changed in how many hoops one would have to jump through to obtain it.
Though that’s not what really mattered to me…
After posing the question, she told me what would happen if a person goes on HRT. I was aware of maybe half of the changes, but I was surprised to find that the only thing that really fazed me was the loss of a sexual organ. No, not because I am attached to it, but because (SPOILER ALERT!) I have yet to have a legitimate sexually intimate relationship with anyone.
You know what that means, kids~ Ren Ren’s a perverted, foul-mouthed virgin~ ❤ Moving on…
So yah, because I’m the type that has to go all the way with whatever I commit to, everything about HRT was way inviting than I had ever realized. S reemphasized that the trans* spectrum is very wide and some people don’t feel the need to physically transition. However, HRT would, to be frank, completely fuck over my sexual life when I actually have one, which I’m not too crazy about to be honest. I would like to one day fall in love and be intimate with my partner…which then led us to talk about how successful bottom surgery is for MtF transition. S recommended me to a transgendered expert’s website who handles surgeries related to transgendered patients.
I won’t lie: The fact that the expert themselves has transitioned from MtF was something I found both fascinating and reassuring. The first thing on my mind was how could I pay for something so expensive, not the fact that I would be losing my penis. I don’t know about you, but I later came to understand that that line of thought says a hell of a lot.
As I briskly walked past various persons and got in my car to head to my artsy friend’s g/f’s place to go shopping together, I knew I had learned a variety of new things about myself and this scary, confusing journey that me and so many others are on right now. Chewing on this new info as I drove and reflecting how I honestly felt while in S’s office (and anywhere else for that matter), a new question I had never approached continues to ring in my mind:
What value is there in continuing to play the role of what society deems male?
Every time I approach this question, I take this bird’s eye view of my life up to this point and simply see nothing of real value to gain by continuing to play this role. I have more memories of forcing myself to adapt to society’s male standards than I do of anything pleasant related to the idea of being comfortable as a male. To me, it has been nothing but a convenience that I have no attachment to. As I rode with my artsy friend’s g/f, I flat out told her that every time I’m out as Ren I’m annoyed at how much my penis gets in the way. I would rather not even have it so I can properly feel at home in my body. Then I think:
… about what I would have to gain as a female…
Release. Happiness. My heart & soul would match my body, which would align my mind. No longer struggling with my own frustrations of having to choose “MALE” on stupid legal documents that has recently started to grate on my nerves. I’d feel like I have some comfort in my appearance and how I wish to present my body and express my love to someone I care about.
So many positives right? Truth is, I’m terrified of being rejected by females because of one reason or another. Much of my fear stems not only from having to completely redefine my entire line of existence, but also from the hard truth that cis females still may not deem me worthy. This would include my mum and sister. Though going through HRT and transitioning socially would at least give them less reasons to think I’m just acting out…That and some guys that I am crushing on would have more reason to look at me as a female.
At least, I would hope so…
I guess now where I stand is why the fuck is it necessary I retain this gender identity when I have this unwavering disdain of looking at own face in the mirror. It’s another step I’ve taken to understanding who I am and who I want to be. People who have been paying attention can tell I tend to take fairly large steps and have been since I began exploring my restrained self in 2012. I can’t really settle on anything just yet, but I can tell you that shopping together with my girl friend, spending money I most definitely do not have, while being educated by her is as if I’m obtaining long-since withheld knowledge I should have known all along. None of it seems weird or out of place to me – it never has…at all points of my life together shopping with female friends – and I enjoy it immensely as a part of my every day life.
More and more, I’m growing weary of putting on this mask. Even worse, expressing myself as female while wearing the mask and still being classified as male by males and females alike. I want to be happy with what I see in the mirror and be happy with how I present to the world. As long as my identity can be in-tune with how my mind’s eye views me, that would make all the difference.
This downer entry ran pretty long. And I’m not sorry~ 😛 To those who stuck with me to the end, I have some pics I’d like to share as thanks to end on a positive note. I shared on Twitter what I bought while shopping already, but I’ll be showing that as well as two pics of me I took on this past Saturday. And my gosh do I love looking at them…
Believe it or not, I went shopping with two goals in mind: Something to keep me warm and large-wedged shoes for casual/party wear.
My girl friend helped me pick out a nice Ci Sono petticoat and these adorable shoes from Steve Madden after some browsing. Those shoes were originally $180 and down-priced to like $50. The manager there told me she was going to buy a pair herself~ : )
And now…for me. I used the lower resolution cam to take these pics. So they look like shit blown up. I was going to do the boring upright self-shot, but decided to try something a little more…um…well…you be the judge…. ::coughcough::