Getting what you deserve

renai_910Living and working on my own terms each day for the past two weeks has been liberating, albeit stressful. Thankfully, I have taken a good deal of stress out of the equation by focusing on less. Though that doesn’t seem to be the most logical choice, keeping my eyes on the things that make me happiest and removing the excess has enabled me to enjoy the process of seeking client work as I build my business from the foundations I’ve laid prior to losing my freelance job.

I should mention that my definition of happiness has been boiled down to a single word:

Fulfillment. Without that, I will always be frustrated and terribly unhappy.

My life continues to change at a pace I have never experienced before…and though I know where I would like to go, there is something in my life that I am unable to properly face. As my friends find their better halves, I have trained myself to forget the irony of my past teases of settling down before they ever did.

Though, it is not my friends that cause me grief. It is my own identity that has begun to keep me up at night. I mean this quite literally as it is 3:40AM. That is why I am going to therapy, which has now become an added expense in my less than financially lucrative state.

Which brings me to what happened last therapy session. We went over the rest of my homework, covering a variety of topics. I’ll skip all the talk of why I believe I will have a hard time finding a mate, why I may have some “unfinished business” at my former church, etc. etc. I told my therapist, “S”, that upon completing the homework, I felt as if my mind had exploded. I had such a hard time honing in on the first answer that came to mind that I felt as if the words on the paper could be lies to myself. That my belief that I would present as female on a full-time basis if I could might very well be me acting out. For someone like me who hates half-assing things – a person who will never be satisfied without a solid, surefire answer – this is a very deep concern of mine…

We went deeper into the subject of my experiences. “S” knows I’ve been out and about many times in 2012, but stopped in early November due to my mum’s unsettling text message. I haven’t gone out as a female since then. She asked me how I felt whenever I was out:

…Completely natural. Comfortable. Like it all makes sense and…most of all, I’m happy with myself.

As we were wrapping up, she asked me if I would come to see her en femme so she could make some observations. My first instinct was to hesitate. Not because it has been 5 months since or because I was scared. I had immediately gone into this strategic mindset of how to get out of the house, when I could potentially come back, etc…and that would make the whole thing one big hassle.

I really wanted to be able to show her…show myself…see my self.

Eventually, I just agreed to meeting at our normal time and I’d figure the rest out later. So far, my outfit and make-up essentials are prepped. Still have more to do, but for the last two nights, I have been unable to fall asleep properly. Being my own boss allows me to find enjoyment in my days, which serves as a major distraction from my gender dysphoria. However, when I go to bed, my mind goes blank and I feel like my caged insecurities come knocking yet again. Is this anticiption? Is this distress?

Asking myself if this is all just a game I’m playing to keep my life deliberately difficult…

If, whether this time, I can really live without facing this and just accept my biological make up…

I wish I could just know. I wish there wasn’t some mental block keeping me from understanding/accepting what is happening and why this is happening. I am so used to smashing through my struggles and pain with logic, facts, and self-assurance. But this…this is utterly beyond me. After so long, perhaps it’s normal that doubt should settle in.

All I know is that every time I think about showing off my style and look, wearing the clothes and underwear I bought myself, I smile. So much of me wants to be excited for Saturday, but I know I am conflicted and embarrassed due to my living situation. Even still, I have planned to go shopping with my artsy friend’s girlfriend after therapy. She is so kind to me as I inconvenience her…I refuse to let my chance be limited to a mere two hours to show my true colors.

My chance to remind and inform my self, my body, and my heart once again…

Hope I can sleep, now that I wrote this.

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