I have been silent about my therapy, but now that I have lost my job as of Thursday, I have some time to talk about it.
For the record, I knew my job letting me go was coming. I had seen the signs for three weeks prior and, in many ways, welcomed it. Looking forward to doing my own thing for the few months of finances I have. And finding freelance work, obviously.
Anyway, I had my first therapy session last Saturday. My second one was today. I think you can see where this is going. In all seriousness, I have been…enjoying it. My biggest concern was feeling as though I was being belittled or held hostage by my own dysphoria being exploited by someone more learned than I. On the contrary, I always walk in with a smile despite having been severely late the first session, and walk out with a smile despite the moment after bringing me right back to my usual self-introversion. My therapist is thankfully a woman; though we are discussing heavy topics, I am sad when our sessions conclude.
The first session was basically her getting to know me. Setting me loose in the interweaving paths of my own convoluted and emotionally-charged memories. She asks me a question when something piqued her interest or caught her off-guard. The highlight of the session was certainly when I outright said, “I don’t believe I’m trans-“. That set a lot of questions in motion and establish the tone for the rest of the session where I had a chance to share my personal conflicts.
Like how most trans- individuals “just knew” from a very young age that something wasn’t right.
That the most prominent confliction they had was with their own bodies.
My second session today could have been a lot more than what it was, but I only did a portion of the “homework” I was assigned. Teehee I’m so bad. I gave her what I had and this time she had much more to inquire about. We discussed my family life and childhood in fair length. She was quite appalled at how broken my family relationships are and have been for most of my life. It’s quite surprising how much a person can recall when they want to.
She switched gears to asking about my goal(s) for going through this therapy. To put it as simply as possible, I want a diagnosis from someone much more learned than I to avoid falsely causing emotional damage to myself and those around me. To be able to properly convey and intellectualize my own idiosyncrasies to not just myself but to anyone who may inquire. Lord knows there would be a hell of a lot of inquiring from people who only know me as a male. My life ambitions would be completely flipped around, and I would have to make a sacrifice if I truly believed my gender was no longer in question. S also mentioned that exploring my sexuality as they apply to romantic relationships would be important.
She repeated something I said last week about having become “a very proficient actor in portraying male tendencies.” I nodded and followed up with what I believe was today’s highlight.
“I have been trying so hard not to think about it…and just live daily as ‘me’. It’s only when I read an article related to a transgendered person struggling in society, or a blog of an individual who wishes to find what it means to ‘transition’ fully into their being that I feel this burning inside my heart that says ‘that’s me. I understand them.’
My heart and my mind are in constant conflict. I imagine I have been this way for over a decade, repressing so much of my self for so long to survive in society. To find success. To find love.
By the end of this exploration, I can only hope I can have the courage to live true to my self.