Needing this more than I know

renai_877Normally, this is not the time I would be writing here…I fear that if I don’t, I will miss an opportunity to share my heart. Admittedly, I would prefer to await these rare moments where I am most vulnerable than arbitrarily spitting out words on a screen that mean nothing to anyone.

Unbeknownst to only a handful of people, I have set my first appointment with a therapist specialized in gender variance and the transgendered for this coming Saturday. The person assigned to me is a woman, a boon to which I cheered in relief upon reading her name.

No one has said much on the matter, though Twitter doesn’t really give a shit. So the only one who I would expect any manner of concern from is my artsy friend or my meganekko. The former has expressed his best wishes to me at recent dinner, saying he hopes I can find out “who I really am.” I have not told my mum about this either.

In many ways, I really need this. I never believed I would be doing this, but I am so tired of not being able to make sense of where I belong. There are a multitude of memories and justifications set in my mind that I am unable to parse in a way that point to a clear picture of my identity beyond my personality, sensibilities, and value system. And so…

What I may have been subconsciously searching for…

What I have desired in my heart but could only experience in fantasy…

How reveling in my femininity and ability to connect with females brought me the utmost joy and [marginal] acceptance well beyond anything any ordinary male relation could offer…

Frustration threatens to settle inside me. As I continue to throw myself into matters of my occupation, everyone who I hold dear seems to have found their place in the universe with someone who can validate them. I, on the other hand, seem to have gained little – championing my friends’ successes, suffering in silence, denied affection due to something that goes beyond my own comprehension.

This…affliction of uncertainty, seemingly of my own creation, needs to be cured. Seeing a specialist seems to be the only way to obtain some clarification so I can hopefully reach a point of undeniable self-acceptance…Kira spoke of validation, and, to an extent, I feel the same. I love myself, but I can no longer pretend to validate my self for the sake of survival. I don’t want to merely be a survivor of this long-standing confliction.

I want to live knowing I lived without compromising. I do envy those who “just knew” that something was different and rectified it. Years of compromise has made me angry inside, hindering my ability to embrace my whole being. Without my own love, no one should love me. I want to someday be loved, understood, embraced, and have my very existence complimented in holistic completion.

…This was meant to be an entry about my initial therapy session. I am in no way nervous about it. I don’t expect an immediate breakthrough, but may the money be worth the effort of my legitimate investment in my personal growth as an individual..

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