As someone who writes (as I am hardly qualified to call myself a “writer”), I believe dreams have the potential to open up a new perspective and awaken fresh ideas that reality & experience do not have the capacity to instill. So when I have a dream that for the first time clearly highlights my gender dysphoria, not only in my actions and feelings but in those humans my subconscious contrived, I can’t help but feel pressured and somewhat enlightened.
Thing is, that was a backdrop to a larger, darker premise that I immediately jotted down as a possible plot branch or a holistic screenwriting concept. Never know.
But I digress.
Usually, my dreams depict my gender as male or undefined. Gender and sexuality really are never in question because happenings are so flux in streams of consciousness. However, this very extended period in my dream in which I was clearly aware of my discomfort, self-isolation, and estranged sensibility from those around me due to how I did not feel at home in my own skin/outward presentation as male is something new entirely. I didn’t know what to do other than remain silent. Then, I saw another male who I had already seen as such had arbitrarily thrown on unbecoming makeup and a blonde wig and was simply having a grand ol’ time with his male friend enjoying life. In the back of my mind, I pinned the two men as homosexual, but that didn’t even mean anything. I believe it was intended to be a complete contrast to my self and how I have no desire to put on a show or make light of something very real for me that I could do nothing about.
In this reality, the similar issue applies; it seems as though there is very little I can do about how I feel about me as an individual. There is so much flux and so much I have to deal with on a daily basis that there are some days I can’t be concerned with my dysphoria. I push it away, but I do believe that not a week or day period goes by that I am not self-aware of my body & how I am automatically regarded as “male”. Constantly trying to balance the blatant truth with my internal self-image is a probability game – I don’t know how I’ll respond on any given day when who I wish to be clashes with who I am required to be.
I put on my skinny jeans today, as I now try to do at least one thing during the weekend to make me feel more like myself in both style & posture. After reading one of Kira’s latest entries combined with my state of mind from my dream, I went about my usual morning rituals…then sent a short email to the therapy institution I have been putting off for months.
As I said in a previous entry, there has been this nagging sense that I need to do this before I can ever be involved & open with anyone. Thankfully, it wasn’t out of depression but more like desperation. I’m tired of playing this guessing game with myself. I won’t be able to move forward if I cannot come to some understanding of who I am and how I perceive my being in heart & soul translated outwards.
Transition or not, I’ll always be me, but my desire is to find a sense of wholeness instead of a vicious cycle of struggle and questioning. I never thought I’d ever need anything related to therapy because of how strong I’ve had to become in my life…but this is something that affects the very fabric of my existence. Nothing in life can prepare a person for something like coming to terms with how society perceives them and, in turn, how comfortable/natural living should be.
Funny how society created these gender boxes so we wouldn’t have to come to terms with anything. My interactions have never been easy because of this…and, for my own sake, I need to officially know why.