“Seek and you shall–“

renai_861Thinking back on the talk I planned in advance to have with my girl friend, brown-eyed beauty, today, I noticed three things.

1) My sense of who I am as an individual is clear, while my gender continues to be like a fucking light switch.

My personality is fairly likable in my opinion. There are many things I like about myself. However, it took me years to be able to look into a mirror and accept what was there. Not because of my own subconscious confliction as a youth, but because I personally didn’t think I was much to look at. However, because I can have such a strong will, I eventually came to accept what was there for the sake of pushing my attention on a potential mate rather than worrying about my own appearance.

My gender, on the other hand, has never been something I have been particularly fond of. Nor have I ever been fond of society’s pressure to keep me in a box to become “a man.” Talking to her one-on-one, then interacting with my artsy friend (her boyfriend), then coming home to a quiet room cleared up the fact that I’m still dealing with something that is so very confusing. There’s this flip-flopping of how my mind’s eye looks at my self and it’s terribly frustrating. That comes through the most in my voice and speech style. It’s always in flux depending on the moment – seemingly male one minute and seemingly female the next. I wake up for work nowadays not even resisting the truth that I am biologically male, and then the weekend rolls around and all I want to do is be rid of my shackles and be freely expressive of my whole self.

And every time that happens, I see myself wholly as a woman.

And every time, I deny myself because I prioritize my survival.

2) Regardless of the person, I still have trouble conveying my thoughts about my gender dysphoria in a way that isn’t roundabout or repetitive.

This is pretty self-explanatory. I have yet to get to a point where I can speak without restraint about my struggles with my gender. I’ve been putting off calling for an appointment to meet with a specialist about it because I am stubborn, but the last thing below may enable me to just do it.

3) Depression is starting to become an issue.

When I was in high school, there was a time when I believed I was bi-polar. And then, I hurt a friend’s feelings, said I was bi-polar, and got completely chewed out by her because her sister was actually diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. Boy did I feel like a dumbass.

When you’re a teen, everything becomes this emotional rollercoaster. I was surely depressed and angry. Mostly at my parents for their divorce drama and my mum’s horrible choices in men; all of whom I was repeatedly right about. Otherwise, it was from being excluded from friends I used to be close with or my online relationships, mainly platonic, going haywire at times.

I prefaced with that because since my high school graduation, depression never really has been an issue for me to the point of actually calling it out. Yah I’ve been upset, distraught, and fed up, but when my emotional defenses, calloused from years of pain & disillusionment, are being bypassed by seeing someone getting engaged on FaceBook, there is a problem.

When I’m feigning sickness to telecommute instead because I woke up not wanting to go anywhere or do anything but cry, there is a problem.

Recently, I came to terms that I have no business being in a relationship if I’m not even in a stable place with my own appearance & outward presentation. I look at myself in the mirror, knowing it’s me, but being too angry at the angry face staring back at me because it’s not how I see myself on the inside at all. It’s all an act. Until I can figure out where I stand, I shouldn’t pursue romantic relations with someone who doesn’t need to be put through my trials to find myself. Nor do I need to put myself at risk of being thrown away yet again for someone not wanting to support me once I can finally find peace with my self.

…And this depresses me.

Because now, it’s not just the fact that no one is into me. Now, I am refusing to subject anyone to even bothering with me. Though there are so many factors involved with finding some sort of clarity to just be me, this one is pushing me to really find my answers.

I don’t like being fake and I hate people who are.

I don’t want to end up hating myself.

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