A year of changing face

renai_848New blog design. Because change can be good for the soul.

Kira reminded me of something important. Given how horrid things have been for me in terms of living out my identity in a way that is open, free, and properly represented on a physical level, this would be a matter that would be pushed to the back of my mind had it not been for her own contemplation. But now, I’ve remembered. So, despite being a shitty excuse for a blogger, I’ll share my thoughts on a year of Ren.

Similarly to Kira, I have been fighting/struggling with my gender identity for a long time. Not nearly as long as her, but long enough. If you’d like a specific time span, it was when I first began Meganekko Memoirs that I began to severely doubt myself and all the things I was enduring silently throughout college. I also started down this journey of seeking out answers for myself around the time when Kira first began her blog, albeit under much less dire circumstances.

I was sick and tired of putting on this farce of being something I have never aligned with in my heart and mind. This idea of “being a man” has always been something I’ve resisted and never wished to grasp. Still, I became an actor on the stage of life, pushing aside the feelings I felt and the desires I harbored to be a female in favor of my own survival as a biological male. I have shared my side on survival, and that’s truly what it has been. I became an expert at this whole thing, and was repeatedly disappointed relationship after relationship when I was forced to be “the man.”

My journey began late December 2011 into January when I said something along these lines to my artsy friend:

I’m going to embrace my femininity and see where it takes me. No one seems to want what I have. If nothing else, at least there will always be a woman nearby to love me for who I am.

…And that has been that.

I’ve purchased many assets (clothes, accessories, makeup, etc.), have had the loving support of my closest friends, and have seen many a crowd as Ren, day and night. The most freeing, eye-opening events have happened while presenting as female. The hardest, most challenging, frightening, and demoralizing experiences in my life have also occurred as Ren. All in all, I’ve done my best to never make this a performance, but to be as transparent and honest with myself as possible.

Of course, there are stupid habits that can’t be thrown away like touching another woman without their permission…but I’m still me either way.

The happiest moments of my life have been being called “Miss” and “lady.” It just…sounds so right. Unbelievably so.

Still, I’m seen, acknowledged, and obligated to be male day after day after day. I haven’t been out and about since November to avoid troubling myself and the people I live with. I survive, forcing myself to be satisfied with who I see in the mirror. It’s hard to even call myself anything close to trans*anything because of how well-adjusted I am to my own emotional dilapidation towards a serious confliction that has gone on for years. Some periods more vivid than others.

Because of that, I’ve had my doubts.

Maybe I’m forcing an idea onto my psyche that is remnant of my role-playing days. Maybe it’s coincidence that I always got on better with females. That I wanted to be pretty like them. That I recall never feeling natural in the huge lavatory at my childhood church, filled with men being men. I don’t know for sure, but my brief spat with therapy only revealed more proof that this is real.

And so, a year later, here I am. Seemingly as if nothing has changed since I said those words to my friend. When, in fact, much of my world-view has become much different and I carry myself much more carefully than I did prior. I don’t believe there is any way out for me other than to move out and have the freedom to share myself as Ren whenever I please. Beyond that, as a member of society, I have to continue this farce for goodness-knows-how-long if I ever hope to achieve my dreams. I want 2013 to be the year I discover so much more of who I truly am inside so I can open my heart to those who may or may not accept me on the outside. I want to wring out all doubts and be ME in every way.

I can only hope for such every day, generic things in this year.

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3 thoughts on “A year of changing face

  1. Ren,
    I’m sorry I missed this when you first posted it. In reading this I feel you have come so far, finding a way to do the most difficult thing, opening your heart and mind to your own voice. It took me a lifetime to do the same.
    Have faith in yourself and trust your feelings. The deepest truths are found within.

    ((Hugs))

    Kira

    1. Thanks so much, Kira! I’m really trying to do this more. It’s a hard thing, especially when it’s so easy to default to what we know won’t be questioned. I can see you have been digging deeper into gender matters. It’s nice to know we aren’t alone despite traveling different paths. ::hugs::

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