Traversing love and reality

renai_787

“I think I like you–no..I know I like you.”

Those words completely traversed my reality to a world line possibility I thought could never align itself.

At least, that was the conclusion I arrived at last night, some two weeks later after the event occurred.

Holding. Hugging. Touching. Hand clasping.

And then…kissing. Deeply.

My world no longer makes sense, and I should know why. In fact, I do, but every time I’m with her, it seems as though I’ve entered the twilight zone. Some parallel universe where the girl that I have trained myself to only view as a friend suddenly confesses to me that the world makes sense if she is with me.

MEANWHILE IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE WHERE LOVE IS REAL AND I’M SCARED SHITLESS…! (Damn you TomSka. Didn’t even find this skit that funny, but yah YOU SURE SHOWED ME.) Nowbacktoyourregularlyscheduledrenaiweepfest

But really, I think she’s great, attractive, and has a lot of potential to do great things. Thing is, I’m too scared of the possibility that this is all some sick joke that I’m going to fall for and then later realize it was all just something that was felt “in the moment.”

And EVERYONE hates shit that happens “in the moment.”

All I know are these few things:

My mind says “Take it slow and don’t jump in headfirst”.
My heart says, “I AM A ROCK.”
My soul says, “This is fucking weird stop it please you’re going to regret it and the hurting~.”
My body says, “STOP FUCKING WITH MY SEX DRIVE YOU ASSHOLE!”
And my spirit says, “She likes you for who you are. Just be there for her.”

Needless to say, nothing is aligning properly because this whole experience has been so damn surreal. I even told her that my heart is female and I can’t stand being what society deems as “a man.” That I want to be able to flow with my personal desires to express myself and present as a girl/woman. She accepted that about me, which is absolutely essential to any future relationship I have. Though until she’s with me in public, I still can’t hold her to that.

I can’t really hold her to anything…

…And yet, after all these years, she wants to choose me? I don’t get it…and the last thing I want is to turn her away without assessing myself. I like her…but right now, I feel nothing but primal instinct when I hold her and kiss her. To quote myself from last night:

When I leave her, I don’t feel as though I’m leaving another piece of myself behind. I don’t feel as though I can live my life to its full potential. I don’t feel…happy.

This could all be because I haven’t spent nearly enough time with her doing ordinary, fun things. There’s so much I need to learn, but someone actually wants me…I am not perfectly sure I should be the one to have her.

I wrote this while wearing my ruby high heels. Just thought you should know.

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