What can I say? A lot has been happening lately and I just don’t have the strength to blog about it when it happens. So most of my entries become this amalgamation of thoughts and experiences that don’t really make for cohesive, focused writing.
Not very good for someone who should be using their time to write a novel.
Anyway, the biggest deal for me as of late was my mum constantly reminding me of my given gender. You would think that this would be old news, but no. She rarely does this, but for some reason she has been making a point to note it in a way that is disguised as a compliment. I don’t know if she’s attempting to remind me of something I’m already aware of, just trying to be nice, or think doing so will change my perception of myself. Either way, it has upset me and brought back to mind thoughts that I do what I can to not let anchor me down.
I have a way of surviving through things that might seem unbearable to most people. My gender identity has become another one of those tough matters that I carry on my shoulders in a way that doesn’t cause me too much pain because I’m way more distracted by more pressing tasks. Also, I have a tendency to make light of my own pain and discomfort in order to not bring others around me down. My closest friends are probably fairly oblivious to it as my personality is a mess to begin with, but it’s what I do to avoid letting my emotions get the best of me.
In other words, I prefer to see people happy around me rather than upset or downcast because of me.
So I don’t talk about how my mum is making it harder and harder for me to spend time with her because I will be judged or treated the same no matter how I am presenting. I feel like I can’t fully embrace myself around her because she (and anyone else outside of my circle of friends) have pre-disposed notions of who I am and what that means to them. So, unbeknownst to her, I constantly restrain my emotions, speech, & mannerisms in order to feel more like myself while still misaligned with how I outwardly appear. I’ve been doing this for years – before I even walked down this path of full self-acceptance in January. Nothing seems to tip her off, but then again, she never really has picked up on any of my deepest struggles.
Lately, I feel like I’m slipping…Upset that I can’t live how I desire. Upset that I’m settling for less than myself. Doing everything I can to kill the sadness of relationships blossoming around me. Telling myself that I don’t need anyone to accept me. Many friends & family have no idea, but I’ve changed again a little bit more.
…I want to be out of everyone’s hair & in my own space by the end of the year. I’m tired of this bullshit and I won’t hold anyone down if I can avoid it. Including my self.