No place to run

renai_753

Two days ago, I was intensely reminded of how emotionally damaged I am despite my hardened, yet off-handed nature.

I was sitting in my room minding my own business as always when within a minute, a shouting match between my brother, mum’s b/f, and, eventually, his son erupted. And you’ll never guess over what.

Over a container of opened iced tea mix. I shit you not.

Brother was trying to eat after waiting at least two hours to finally use the oven, only to be demanded to come downstairs by mum’s b/f to put away the iced tea mix. Reasonably so, he was pissed. I would be too. Only difference is, I wouldn’t have said “I’m not doing it” in a defiant tone. Their back and forth only escalated things until mum’s b/f threatened to send his son up there…since he avoids moving around as much as possible. His son then came bounding up the stars, yelling and eventually threatening him with violence. He eventually, angrily, conceded, did whatever, and came back up while telling both of them to shut up and swearing. I admit that my brother was in the wrong also, but they were worse.

I didn’t go downstairs for the rest of the evening and was extremely shaken up to the point of tears. I honestly feared for my life, while, at the same time, being disgusted that his son would use [empty] threats of violence to get what he wanted.

The males here feel the need to exert their masculinity to such an extent that no one is ever willing to compromise until someone bends. It’s even been attempted on me by my mum’s b/f. Basically, he admitted to expecting me to just say the equivalent of “yes’m” rather than have me disagree with him over a matter I was more learned in.

Because.

This sort of thing drives me mad and also reminds me that I have no desire to have a shouting match with anyone who clearly has no motive other than to intimidate. Males scare me for that one reason, which is probably why I have only had a few trusted male friends in my life while the majority have been female. I don’t want to fight with someone that could potentially lead to physical violence or tears. There’s no need for it…

I’m fine now, but knowing how I used to be when I was a teenager just makes me want to stay away from over-bearing, testosterone-driven assholes who will always feel justified in their insensitive actions because they are “men.” They will never listen. They will never apologize. They will never expect anything less than unconditional obedience.

Living in perpetual fear is not living at all. I had to become stronger. I think many like me feel the same…

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