What you see is what you get

renai_746Lots has happened since my last entry…and there’s no way in hell I’m going to try to recap it all. Instead, I’ll just focus on whatever sticks out more in my memory.

Like two Saturdays ago when I found myself at my artist friend’s new girlfriend’s house. Usually, this would be nothing new; I used to like her, so her family knows who I am. The difference is, I’m all en femme’d up. Challenge accepted.


I already knew what I was getting myself into. My friends and I had hung out at an anime type event in which I was already presenting as female. Her mother and stepfather both know that I’m the only dark-skinned person she hangs out with. Coming to her place as a pit stop before checking out a new club was already assured that I would confront her parents. A part of me was just not caring at all, while the other part of me was hoping they would just flat out ask if it’s me and we would have a candid conversation about it. Instead, they acknowledged me by my given name and said NOTHING about my appearance. That, in itself, was bothersome. Not so much that I couldn’t function, but enough that I kept my head down usually and refrained from speaking and let my artist friend take all the attention now that he is in romantic relations with their daughter.

After stuffing our faces, we headed off in two separate cars. The one I was in contained my friends and her sisters; one was driving. For the first time, I did some serious makeup touching up while in the back seat using a mirror my artist friend held up for me for some time and the back seat light to illuminate through the night. Her sisters didn’t seem to mind that I was presenting female and the one who wasn’t driving lent me a compact of eye shadow. By the time I was finished, I was pleased with my look, had taken the mirror out of my friend’s hands to hold it myself in the moving mini-SUV, and was caring less about the lack of curiosity about my choice of gender.

For the record, her WHOLE family knows me as my given name but had never seen me as Ren until that night.

After all that had passed and we were all at this dance club in the middle of nowhere, the rest is just fun and awesome. The club sat right above a go-go bar which I had tossed out a few tweets about the night of. You could look right down at the stage where the naked stripper danced and the guys sat smoking up a storm. Needless to say, between my artist’s girlfriend buying me birthday drinks, one of her sisters buying me a shot & calling me “gurl” rather than my given name, and the glow stick raving party my friends and I were having, it was pretty damn surreal and fun.

To top off the night, I’m almost sure the “bouncer” who checked us at the door was hitting on me as I tried to find service to send out a tweet. The poor guy introduced himself by name to me and everything. I know I was looking fairly nice with my flowered top, aqua cami, and jean short shorts riding above my mid-thigh, but goodness! This guy had bad teeth and a gut, but he was genuine. So I was glad to draw some attention nonetheless.

The night could have ended perfectly if it had not been for my mum’s b/f’s son sitting outside the house at fuckin’ 3AM like he was waiting for me or some shit. My artist friend gladly drove around a few streets at my intoxicated request – yes I was still pretty drunk, but quite coherent. We came back and he was gone…only to appear through the door again as soon as we got out the car. It was dark obviously, so my friend went in ahead of me and I followed close behind as we carried in stuff from earlier that day. After we said our goodbyes, he let himself out and I went ahead to shower off the day.

The moral of the story? No matter what people may or may not say, there will be those who accept me for who I am, those that won’t accept me and tell me to my face, and those who won’t accept and pretend I’m a optical illusion. The good thing is that two of those options are by honest people who already knew me before I chose to quit hiding my feelings, desires, and personal identity from society. I can’t expect much from those who have known me prior, but I know that I have the most wonderful, open-minded friends ever. No matter who may try to discourage or cut me with their words or looks, all my friends who I have told have been highly supportive and even call me by the name I prefer most. I don’t intend on leaning on them for my strength, but to just “be” me around them is the most freeing sensation I could ask for…


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