I only recently discovered that there are special honorary badges and awards given to significant bloggers within the sphere. When I first began blogging, I didn’t quite know where I was going with it. I just felt I had to vent – write whatever I could never say outloud to anyone. Eventually, I became obsessed with gaining traction and attention similar to the likes of the still “sorta famous” Singaporean-Chinese blogger, Xiaxue, by providing information on anime meganekkos.
Then somewhere along the line, I just stopped caring about popularity and leverage. More than likely that happened due to the relationship I was in when this blog began in 2005. Things changed, and I was okay with that.
Where I am today is worlds apart from the early years of Meganekko Memoirs. I have come to view my identity in a different light, my college years are pretty much long gone 5 years later after graduation, and my blogging has become more focused on sharing truths with a level of transparency that opens me up to being judged, but isn’t nearly as tasteless as it was when I wrote for no one but myself. What hasn’t changed is just that: I still blog here for no one but myself.
What I’m getting at is the issue of why I cannot bring myself to embrace the notion of being celebrated for having a certain level of notoriety or effective blogging prose. To date, only one precious blogger has graciously informed me a number of times of being nominated for an award. I have thanked her for the times which she has, but to go through the motions of showing my “blogger spirit” in order to be deemed worthy just doesn’t jive with me. You can probably tell I didn’t have much school spirit for my high school and alma mater.
This is not to say I don’t appreciate it when someone wishes to throw my name into a hat to be chosen. I just consider myself an island within the blogosphere when it comes to connecting with other bloggers, leaving me isolated and with very few bloggers that truly stand with me. Having a small handful of bloggers who reach out to me here and there is more than I could have ever anticipated. In fact, I prefer for the number to remain small, as that mirrors my circle of friends in real life.
To be honest, Meganekko Memoirs was never meant to be publicly accessible. It just so happened I had a change of heart – a very rare occurrence among females. I felt that my memoirs had begun to share a story of a lost girl seeking to be understood and acknowledged that others may be able to relate to. The wearing of glasses exemplifies a person who has lived their life one way, but had another lifestyle/belief/secret that differentiated themselves from the image society pinned them to be. I simply want to tell this story as candidly as I can…
…for my own sake and for those who can relate to the years of disillusionment – to walk with clarity and self-acceptance. I still don’t know what’s next or where this will lead, but I’ll look adorable one way or another. Xiaxue has taught me something after all.