It’s not easy being trapped in this body, having only put up with it because it’s the only one I have. Never being truly comfortable in my own skin, I sought escape from it through various online means. Though, I admit that my escapism as an angsty, guilt-ridden teenager did also come from the neglect and foolishness of my parents’ drawn out divorce and my peers within my online lifestyle that often made me feel helpless and a waste of an existence.
In a way, I have lived a “double life” for most of my recollected life. Being assumed to be a girl online just by being myself made me happy and content within a living hell of a home where I was disregarded & under constant pressure.
Why am I only recently coming to this realization? Apparently, I never thought of it as such. It was simply me trying my best to be “me” when I had no other means of being me in reality. My gender was certainly a questionable thing, but so much of my life has laid somewhere in between male and female to the point of claiming I had multiple personalities inside me. The majority of them were feminine and gradually formed a gradient from female to feminine-looking male. I truly saw myself in this way for many years – most prominently through high school – until college rolled around and I was forced to remove myself from such manner of thinking and living in order to survive.
But it still did not cease. Eventually instead of multiple personalities, they were eventually condensed into two sides: The good, positive side that society knew as male, and the chaotic, carnal side that was female. Both sides unable to live in the light at once, with no way of compromising for the sake of Christian faith. The latter, I knew, would be the girl no one would accept or love. Even I was rejecting her because I had to be “male.”
That girl is obviously Ren’Ai; me at the core of my soul.
And here I am, still trying to make sense of my individuality. Acutely aware of my history as a child of having fantasies of wearing my mother’s clothes, wear dresses and makeup, and be “one of the girls” despite the fact that I hardly feel the need to gab or speak to someone in the bathroom for example. After reading the two chapters in a book the therapist gave to me, I’m still not convinced that they are the same as me. The real stories depicted in that book were of people who struggled with sexuality, lust, and worldly fulfillment. As for me, I have none of these struggles and have already gone through two major turning points in my life where I sought and served God because I understood how much I needed healing from my pain.
Again, sexuality is not my struggle and people need to understand the difference already.
What this all boils down to is me trying to be comfortable with myself and establish a synchronization with how people view me on the outside and who I am on the inside. Who I have always been on the inside but never had the need to express outwardly appears to be a case of my master ability to cope or distract myself.
Role-playing, poetry, prose, books, jobs, church, etc. etc…All the things I’ve done hold a connection to suppressing my inner self that I’ve been hiding for so long. And now that reality – my goals, aspirations, desires… – now are front and center, it doesn’t matter whether I’m in a relationship with a girl, God, or otherwise.
I am Ren’Ai through and through. Satisfaction with myself and the happiness and comfort it brings will never truly take hold until I am able to be accepted in this light. The “double life” is not something I want to do, but if that’s the only way I can live for now, then at least the frustrations are hardly anything new to me. Sadly, it’s always been this way…and I will be outed one way or another. What comes next is out of my hands, but at least I’m living true to myself even if society thinks I’m a liar…
I’m most afraid of continuing to lying to myself. Here’s hoping something here makes sense…