Those smiling days

renai_682Combining last Monday with today, these have been the most fulfilling days outside of romantic infatuation that I have experienced in a very long time.

Last Monday, I met up with my girl friend (brown-eyed cutie) and wound up doing a ton of shopping around for me. I’m still making first-time purchases – booty jean shorts, ankle socks, casual Roxy shoes, and a sports bra specifically for my cosplay. Today, we followed that up with a sky blue cami, another cute top that’s gray with tie-dye flowers, a black see-through lace-like top for anime con raves, and crimson high-heels specifically for my cosplay (and fancy events once I obtain a matching dress). Although neither of us are big shoppers, we still have a great time and have a perfect excuse to hang out with the chance for something new to happen each time.

Although, shopping for female clothes is gradually becoming more natural, that is not the reason for my pleasures. The more I have the opportunity to embrace myself as a whole individual and can find happiness in the reflection I see in the mirror, the less I think of how I am presenting myself in public.

The more I can enjoy hanging out with my friend.

The more I can experience, learning about a world I have always wanted to be a part of.

The more I can relax, smile, not worry, and just bask in my identity that I wish I could have understood sooner.

Being out and about these last two times have been so memorable for me in ways I can’t really describe. I now carry my debit card rather than purposely grabbing cash so I don’t have to show them my name. I talk to cashiers and people working the floor, though I am still hesitant to ask for dressing rooms to be opened for me since I don’t know who to ask. I’m becoming so much more comfortable in myself that I don’t concern myself with who is or isn’t looking at me. I know I’m slim, adorable, and a nice piece of ass that can fit into a size 5; I have been purposefully making sure of that since elementary school.

Let me tell you a story.

The same Monday I spoke of before, I returned home on a high of happiness after going shopping, having lunch with my artist friend & my girl friend, then stopping at Barnes and Noble to buy the reprint Vol.1 of Sailor Moon. However, there were a bunch of guys hanging out right in front of my mum’s boyfriend’s house where I currently reside. At first, I was like, “What the fuck is this shit…?! Why are these douches hanging out, sitting on the steps, in front of a place they don’t even live?!” I hesitated and just sat in my car for a time, hoping they would go away. They were still there five minutes later, and it was very hot that day. Finally, I just said “fuck it I’m a lady”, stepped out my car with my brand new booty shorts and shoes I had just bought, and walked up to them with great intensity. All it took was a wave of my finger and the two guys sitting there immediately got up. I gave them a quick “thank you” and headed up, ignoring the slight chuckle behind me.

I don’t believe they moved because of my finger or because I was a female. They likely moved out of societal obligation – I fucking live there and they are lounging on someone else’s property. For me, that was a battle for my personal self-worth as an individual, not simply to be acknowledged as a female.

And I won.

Like I told my artist friend the other day:

I’m just not concerned with matters of love anymore. At this point, people can take me or leave me.

I still have to hide myself though. Not from my mum, but from anyone else who happens into the house. I’m still just as scared as before I shared my struggle with her. She needs to know this isn’t some joke or a phase that can be prayed out of me. I tried that.

This is real to me…and the only days I can truly be happy with myself. So instead of denying myself the rest of tonight, I’ll simply stay as I am. Outwardly reflecting my soul; the whole “me.”

Tuesday, I meet with a therapist a friend of my mum’s recommended. I received his follow-up email as I wrote this. Yes – his. I’d prefer a woman, but at this point, I just want a resolution from someone qualified who I am comfortable with listening & opening up to. He will have to impress me, not the other way around.

After all, gender should never be the basis for judging someone. Right?


2 thoughts on “Those smiling days

  1. Ren’Ai,
    I’m glad to hear your feeling more confident in yourself. I doubt those boys ever stood a chance! 😉

    As for the gender of your therapist, all that really matters is being able to trust them, though I’ll admit to being relieved that mine is a woman. I have never been comfortable around men and trying to talk about such personal matters to one would be difficult to say the least. Not their fault, mine, but still…


    1. Wow…I have neglected you once, but twice….So very sorry, Kira.

      I wish I could say that I still have the same confidence I had then. I have wavered and have been just trying to live in silence without causing anyone trouble or grief…

      Like you said in your latest comment, it might be better to find a female therapist. I do believe I still need the expertise, but in all honesty, just like you, it’s always been easier to bring down my guard & be transparent (and less judgmental) with a woman…I look forward to hearing more about yours.

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