Understand that which cannot be

renai_676So let me recap what happened a week ago. ‘Twas nothing especially poignant, but Mum and I had our little planned conversation. Didn’t know what to expect since she was the one who initiated it. That automatically put me in the hot seat and kept me from controlling the momentum of the conversation like I did at our Mother’s Day dinner.

She started off with a few unrelated questions I can’t really recall, then let me know she had found a pastor/priest who could possibly speak to me about the “spiritual side of sexuality.” After she had finished, I told her she might be confused, as this is not a matter of sexuality, but of gender identity. The idea of speaking to a priest also was shot down easily as I knew exactly what I would be in for: A gentle explanation of what “sexuality” means, then beaten over the head with the bible. She wanted my thoughts on the suggestion and I easily gave that to her. And she agreed.

The conversation remained on a fairly stable level from there. I shared with her my fear and displacement of being in the company of males since I was very young. I wanted her to understand that my issue is with how I have wished to be seen and loved as a female. She even thought that I was possibly just a crossdresser, but it’s obviously not the case…at least as far as I can make sense of it all. I asked her flat-out if she would be alright with me going out as a female. She said she would “prefer it if I went out as a male”. I didn’t get a chance to tell her I force myself to do so almost all days of the week. She’d get her wish regardless of what I wanted.

I thanked her for looking for a proper therapist for me to see and discussed a few other insignificant things, like makeup and such. There wasn’t much else besides that, but I did let her know this past Sunday that I found a psychotherapist that deals with transgender issues. Currently it’s only a question of whether they take my mum’s insurance or not.

In the end, this is for me, not for her or anyone else. I feel complete when I am able to express what I have been hiding for so long. It’s what I’ve wanted for so long, and now all I long for is a confirmation that goes beyond my own. It sounds so simple, but my mum will always call me by my given name until I receive an answer that will prove what I am conscious of on the inside. Thankfully, all this is likely bringing my mum and I closer together little by little.

Clarity is all I desire. I’ll do whatever necessary to obtain that. At least now I have nothing to hide from my mum, which allows me much more freedom…and less fear. I don’t want to be afraid any longer.


3 thoughts on “Understand that which cannot be

  1. Ren’Ai,
    I’m so glad to hear things went well. Talking about this with someone is such a Hugh leap of faith.
    Finding a professional will really help, I’m looking forward to my first meeting Saturday. Like you, all I hope for is outside conformation of what I have come to understand of myself. Coming to a better understanding of these issues will help me to go forward.


    1. Kira,
      It’s odd how well things are appearing to go on my end. It’s definitely a big deal to talk to a stranger, but your experience seems to have put your own concerns at ease. I hope I can have the same fortune.

      ~Big Hugs~

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