Really don’t know where to begin. Last week was shitty for all the wrong reasons. My mind was all over the place. The weekend was okay – nice conversation with a friend, hung out with another, and saw another on Sunday – but when all is said and done…I’m right back to where I was last week.
I hate my job. I now dread every week because not only is my job boring as fuck, I have no commitment to it as opposed to my writing. For the last month, driving there has been a waste of my fucking money and I seek any excuse to not go. However, by not going, I am in a household surrounded by two people who don’t give a fuck about me. Going to work allows me to be alone, but I am also forced to put on a smile and act like I give a shit about being there whenever I walk the halls.
What it really boils down to is this: I just want to be alone. I’d rather be alone than surrounded by people who don’t care about me and people I don’t care about. I do less damage to myself and don’t have to worry about damaging anyone around me.
Recently, I’ve also found I don’t want to love. As nice as that would be, I will not put myself out there in the hopes that I will be accepted. It’s become a waste of energy and just leads to me being disappointed because I actually would like to have something that could last. Those that do seem to take it for granted and don’t realize how wonderful it is to have someone that will let them cry in their lap. To throw a tantrum, listen, and legitimately want to be connected with you despite how illogical your thinking is in the moment. At this point, whatever will be will be. Besides, me rejecting people have led to them finding romance. At least I’ve done that much for them while I’m left empty-handed.
What does this all matter in the grand scheme of things?
About my TG situation…I’m still very confused and lost as to how everything is supposed to make sense inside of me. Sometimes it’s clear, but most of the time all I can see is what is in front of me. The girl in me is so afraid and can only reveal herself when she’s good and ready…or when I’m here ranting about nothing. My job frustration, the people around me, my lack of emotional connection…it’s only agitating the big picture more.
I just want my answer.
And now my mum wants to have some time with me tomorrow night for god knows what. She’s never asked to have time opened up for her like this. 100% sure it is to talk further about my TG complexities. We haven’t really spoken since the previous Saturday, which is actually fairly normal for us. Except I have been actively avoiding her as much as possible. Why?
Like I said: I just want to be alone. This house is suffocating and the people in it, save my mum, are not worth the effort of responding to (or receiving) their half-assed “hi” whenever we first cross paths each day. There’s nothing wrong with my mum, but everything just isn’t fitting where they should be. So I’d rather kick them away as they have become a distraction. A hindrance to my own psychological stability.
I can’t guarantee you will be seeing much of me – Twitter sure hasn’t, but Twitter doesn’t give a shit even when I’m nice to it. I generally refuse to blog when I am incapable of reasoning out my thoughts or I’m just flat out depressed/angry/incorrigible for no specific reason that I can’t pin down in some fashion. I have every right to bitch, moan, complain, and share my sexual idiosyncrasies here (and I will), but, for my own sake, I do attempt to avoid rehashing things that are here to stay.
I’ll probably update what happens with my mum & I tomorrow, but beyond that…who knows. Thank you, friends, who continue to put up with me and reach out. Frankly I don’t have the patience or the strength to do so myself. I suspect there will be casualties in the process…
C’est la vie.