Then and now. There and here.

renai_647It’s hard to believe this blog has been in existence since Fall 2005. My motivations, thought-processes, and the people around me have changed since then. I was just starting to learn about blogging, and really, I can truly say that I’m glad I started “Meganekko Memoirs.” If nothing else, it is a filter to make sense of the “me” that writes here today, and, as originally intended, a looking glass for those who never knew the truth about me once I’m dead.

I was so fucked up back then.

Struggling to makes sense of what had been gradually been revealing itself to me since I was a child through the books I read, the stuffed animals I loved, the dolls I preferred, the emotions I carried on my sleeve…Trying to make sense of why and how, after reading my first manga at age 14 in high school, I could possibly and firmly believe there was a girl inside of me. Thrashing about in my own mind and heart within the confines of my college dorm, experimenting and hurting on the inside because I was one thing, being forced to be another while being expected to be an example as someone of the Christian faith.

Things were really fucked up.

My relationships, especially. Denying myself of what I knew to be some manner of fact within me all for the sake of being a “man” to a female who, in the end, didn’t want me or was at all willing to accept this repressed truth about me. People I fought for, letting go. Easily. And me, left wondering why when I did everything possible to hold on and be good to them.

The end of last year was when I stopped caring about romance, maintaining appearances, and being something that I’m damn well not for the sake of pursuing a logical, possible relationship. Enough was enough and the pain was no longer worth the denial I was putting myself through. Tired of trying, I decided to walk this path. A path I couldn’t put into words back then. A path I still can’t fully describe even now.

A path that will likely cause me more pain and rejection than I would otherwise.

Cross-dresser? No, it’s more than the clothes. And it damn well isn’t a performance.

Bi-gender? Possibly where I stand right now as I am forced to live a double life.

Transgender? I will likely never become “well-adjusted,” but believe this is what I am. A “female” is where my heart and soul have been for so very long. Likely even before high-school.

All I’ve ever wanted was to be accepted into the circle of females I have always found myself involved with since childhood. I no longer err to any specific sexual preference, as the past has also proven that I can crush on males as well. I’ve just always wanted to be “one of the girls” with no ulterior motives. I hope to achieve some level of this, despite knowing I’ll never be able to go “full-time”. Perhaps one day – after all the friends are lost and my life restructures itself and the people who give a fuck are willing to not be ashamed to stand by me – this will all make sense.

I really want it to and can’t help but envy those who have found meaning and oneness in their own skin…

…This was longer than I intended. Thoughts for t3h Ren’Ai?

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2 thoughts on “Then and now. There and here.

  1. Ren’Ai,

    Sweetly, I understand. I understand the pain, the confusion and fear. I live every day with them too.
    I can’t tell you that every thing will be okay, but I can tell you that there are answers out there if we refuse to give up.
    We may not get all the answers we seek and they may not be the ones we want, but they are there.
    All we can do is take this one day at a time.
    There is a little mantra I think fits;
    Change what you can,
    Accept what you cannot,
    And knowing the difference leads to understanding.

    I know this isn’t easy, all we can do is take it one step, one day, at a time.
    There really isn’t anything more we can do, is there?

    Hugs,
    Kira

    1. Kira,

      Thank you for those sweet, encouraging thoughts as always. All you say is accurate and what we’ve begun bouncing back and forth to one another during moments of weakness. To be honest, I don’t think I’m really hurting for that kind of reassurance at this point, even though it is well appreciated (and I did get unnecessarily sentimental at the very end, which I apologize for lol).

      Step by step. Little by little. Time will change. We will live. Standard flair, right?

      This was more of a personal review to connect my beginnings and reasoning of where I was when I started this blog to my present day self. Guess that should have been better clarified hm…If nothing else, I’m now seeking to fill in the blanks that are necessary to explain what it is I believe & why things are different. For example, knowing what “politically correct” terminology I should be using to identify myself (and why), even though I infer to have answered my own question. Have you made sense of that for yourself yet to share, if I may ask?

      ~Hugs~

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