Is…it safe?

renai_633I had to get away from everyone because I so desperately wanted someone to be near me…

My thoughts and emotions reached a peak on Monday. Everything within me wanted to explode and simply give up on everything. Crying was imminent. This is nothing new or strange, but the reasoning behind it is usually obscure and unknown even to me.

No one understands it because no one ever knows when it happens. When I shut down and stop giving of myself after receiving petty penance in return.

It’s true. I give expecting nothing in return, but even Jesus had a limit. Hur.

Talking to someone can give me some relief, but I would rather not risk be judged for wanting to talk to someone just so I can talk out my pain. No one really gives that much of a shit [about me]. I would rather not waste anyone’s time and deal with my own struggle alone. Like I always have. Always.

…While everyone else uses me as their sound board because I can never leave someone alone who has experience even a hint of my sadness, dissolution, and rage. My specialty is playing an terribly nerfed game where I lose so everyone else can win.

I wish I knew what it was like to know that someone would be there for me. This is not to say there isn’t anyone who would be, but I don’t know how to be anything but strong. I am my own pillar of strength because I refuse to drag anyone else down over my gender identity struggles, stress over becoming the person I want to be, or just flat out being too proud to admit that even I get lonely. The reason why I remain silent boils down to not wanting to be a burden to anyone who has their own shit to deal with. So, one way or another, I find a release, and then everything goes back to “normal” with no one being the wiser.

No one asking what happened or even considering that something could, in fact, be hurting or troubling me deeply. And the people I would love to have ask me – those that have some sense of me & our history, romantic interest or not – never do.

No one touches me.

I had to get away from everyone. My own internal frustrations and my desire to just live as I am without having to put on a face or talk a certain way became too much to bear. It cripples me from doing anything creative that reaffirms the person I am regardless of which gender I align to. I pride myself on my writing and love for music, but if I can’t even focus on that, then there is nothing left but turmoil.

Confusion.

Doubt.

No one will come for me. I should be used to that by now.

I won’t complain. Just continue living like you do.

In the end, we all just want to be touched. Most people want to hear “I love you.” If I could hear the words, “It’s over. I am yours. You don’t ever have to be strong on your own ever again,” tears would overflow. Time would stop. I would know right then and there that I am complete. Understood. Free.

That, for the first time, I could stop pretending to be so strong, lie there in their
arms, and weep like the girl I know I am in my heart and soul…

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3 thoughts on “Is…it safe?

  1. Ren’Ai,

    I wish I could be there to lend you a shoulder, to offer you my strength so that you could rest, even if it was just for a moment.
    I have been where you are and I know the pain and loneliness. I know about the sleepless nights and I know about the tears.
    I can’t promise that there is someone out there for you, but I can tell you that if you keep that hope alive, if you keep searching even in your darkest hour, you find the strength to continue. It is hope that gives us reason to keep living, hope that lights our imagination and illuminates our path. Never give up on hope.

    Hugs,
    Kira

    1. Kira,

      Thank you for your kindness and concern, both here and in your reply on “Wishes & Dreams”. I realize that it’s easier to put aside our own personal fears and struggles for the sake of someone else’s. It’s how people like us find a moment of rest. A moment of clarity. That is one of the reasons we keep these blogs public. To make contact, to resonate, to know there’s someone else who “knows”.

      Hope is something I could never give up on in most contexts. We are who we are, no matter how we came to accept this person we’ve been repressing. We love who we love, even if we can’t take hold of that yet. Darkness only exists for as long as we ignore the glint of light. I believe that also.

      We will keep strong for as long as it takes. We don’t know anything else, isn’t that right? : )

      ~Hugs~
      Ren’Ai

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