The friend I came out to at his bachelor party is getting married tomorrow and I am involved in his wedding in a small way. That’s not awkward at all, no. What is awkward is me enjoying talking to a guy who took a genuine interest in what I want to do with my life, is good with kids, has a healthy sense of humor, and knows a ton about physics who I thought was more of an asshole than charming when I met him at said bachelor party. Both times, under the guise of male.
But I can do better. Much better.
Decided to stop by my grandparents’ house after pre-wedding festivities. The visit itself was well warranted as I had not seen them since early Fall of last year and went over well. What totally fucked me up was when my grandmother suddenly brought up that she had a suit downstairs that she thought might fit me. My grandfather tried to parry the idea away on the basis that the original owner wanted to sell it or something, but she firmly insisted, as she usually does. Obviously, I was not excited about the idea and tried to get her away from it, but she wouldn’t have any of it and got it from upstairs.
As she put me in the suit jacket, something that I’ve been seeking to be reaffirmed with finally hit me. I’ve been wanting something, anything, to be a sign that these thoughts, perceptions, feelings, sensations, and personal struggles with my gender were true and not me lying to myself. For someone or something to prove that who I am inside and how I desire to be perceived by the outside world is, in fact, real. This may seem like silliness to most people, but as she kept insisting that the jacket fit me and how nice I looked in it, I just wanted to die. Run away. Take the damn thing off as soon as possible. It wasn’t me and I felt horrible that she wanted to give me this expensive suit that I had no desire to wear in front of anyone.
Every part of me rejected the idea of masculine appeal while my grandmother continued to believe that offering such words of propitiation was to my well-being and potentially drawing in a mate. That, in many ways, is the truth I have been seeking within myself projected outward. For now, I’m satisfied that I could finally experience a pure, natural reaction that I was acutely conscious of as the person I have become now.
I can now say what I was unable to grasp before – that I am truly, in fact, a different person than I was before taking this step in late December.
My mum and I are supposed to do something for Mother’s Day three weeks from now. Mother’s Day and her birthday have gradually become times where we create an opening in our busy lives to reconnect & to find out what’s new in our lives. We planned it over a phone call earlier that also included me gently lecturing her about buying bottled water and its detriment to the environment. I had already considered this earlier after the call, but because of tonight, I think I might be able to come out to her on that day…We’ll see.
All I can do now is put on a suit and continue to play pretend at the celebration of marriage. Every day I must, I’ll keep wearing this mask until the future unfolds moment after moment and my true identity can be revealed. There is still so much I must learn, but I comprehend that it’s not about thinking like a man or like a woman. It’s about who I have always been in my soul, and the desires I have always carried within in my heart. Yes, there are significant differences in how men and women think, and I believe that I exhibit much more feminine sensibilities on a general level. Little by little, I’ll change and adapt accordingly, but I no longer feel as though I’m at odds with who I am.
I’m just sorry that there will be that many more people who will not accept me, my body, and my desire for companionship. As if people haven’t found enough bullshit reasons to not love me already.